David J. Shepard 12/2/22 David J. Shepard 12/2/22

Happy But Greasy Double Kidney Donation Survivor Gets Final Wish - "I'm SO Trill!"

(Memphis, TN - December 7, 2022) - He’s dead, and he left a note, on a $1 bill:

“These motherfuckers are gonna miss this big, bold and beautiful Black man. The nation never deserved me. Please protect my estate.”

Huckabee Finn, the tech worker who discovered the note, knew him from the music community, where they were both fans of the musical group Taxidermied Frontbutt. They call themselves the Frontbutt Hoes, and their listeners number in the trillions, based on Spotify receipts found in the tech worker’s mother’s basement in the Turks and Caicos.

“We shared so much, on account of him being so near and dear to me, in this highly connected world we live in. I will miss having access to his humor.com, his laugh.org, and the left testicle photos I used to woo the Wu-mommies with on that other site he liked,” said Finn.

“Whatever his username was, I only know the password, services should be held, or at least not withheld internally, he was that generous with everyone.”

You can get your share of the estate by taking a dollar out of your pocket and buying a pixel on his website, A-Trillion-Google-Employee’s-Trillion-Pixel-Fund.us

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Next story: That thing you do? Yeah, it's not so unique.

David J. Shepard 6/6/22 David J. Shepard 6/6/22

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David J. Shepard 7/6/21 David J. Shepard 7/6/21

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David J. Shepard 6/3/12 David J. Shepard 6/3/12

Ruling: Platonic Harems Pose No Threat to Relationships

published June 5, 2012DETROIT – In a landmark ruling expected to set the tone for relationships for an entire generation of Americans, today the US Supremes Court, the highest court of public opinion in the land, overturned a lower court decision holding an Austin man responsible for the dissolution of his relationship because he maintained what prosecutors called a “Platonic Harem.” Citing the potential chilling effect on the relationship prospects for a “significant minority of heterosexual men,” the court ruled 2-1 that “Platonic Harems shall not be considered a reasonable threat to any romantic relationship on solid footing,” and that Platonic Harems represent a “viable if not preferable lifestyle choice that can co-exist with the prevailing Brah Culture.”The defendant in the case, Ethan Braun, 28, had been in a relationship with Suzanna Miller, 27, for three years. In their arguments, prosecutors pointed to the psychological suffering Miller experienced as a result of “the constant presence of mostly attractive and often single women in every arena of Braun’s social life” as the reason for the demise of their relationship. “It became a form of tyranny. Our next relationship partner often comes from within a group of people already familiar to us. And while our relationship didn’t have many problems, the 99 attractive female friend alternatives to me that surrounded Ethan at all times was every single one of them.”In writing the majority decision for the court, Justice Gene Simmons upheld the defense’s argument that dynamics of male-female relationships are changing rapidly, and that the court needed to move with them.“When the members of this court were Mr. Braun’s age, the only options to enjoy a football game with, or play basketball in the park were our male peers. Similarly, baby showers and board game nights were the exclusive domains of women. Without question, there has been considerable loosening of the idea of behavioral norms based on our sex, and it is entirely possible for men and women to maintain full social lives primarily involving male-female relationships without ambiguity. The companionship and camaraderie that underlies our ideal of intimacy or even platonic love can be found with either sex, without question.“And in fact, the idea that men and women cannot be friends – with no gray area – is an anachronism that undermines any notion of equality between the sexes that we might wish to promote.”In the dissenting opinion, Justice Tina Turner posed the question to the court, “What’s love got to do with it? Any man who finds so much comfort in the company of women, almost to the exclusion of any male alternatives, is bound to find some deeper, more intimate form of comfort with at least one of them at some point. Mr. Braun was forcing Ms. Miller to play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, but instead of a revolver with one bullet in the chamber, she was facing an automatic assault rifle with a fully loaded clip. Mr. Braun’s actions are in fact the direct cause of the lack of trust that led to their breakup.”Chief Justice Diana Ross was more succinct in her defense of Braun’s right to female friends. “Mr. Braun, even based exclusively on the testimony offered to this court, is a thoughtful, funny and engaging young man. Anyone, male or female, would stand to benefit from his friendship. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s kinda cute. Were I one of his friends, I would be glad to keep his company as long as he behaved himself when I wanted him to.”Justice Turner, referencing Justice Ross’ position on the issue, would go on to add “See, that right there is what I am talking about.”The ruling has already become a flash point for a society still grappling with changes to romantic and friendship norms that had held for centuries. Tanya Edmunds, a co-ed at the University of Texas, Austin, allowed us to interview her while she shopped at one of the city’s many thrift stores with her boyfriend, Thomas Alva.“I like the fact that Thomas has a lot of female friends, and in fact that was one of the things that attracted me to him. I feel like it helps him understand me better.”“But I will say, between you and me, that if I ever find out he crossed a line with one of them, I swear to God there will be hell to pay.”# # #

David J. Shepard 12/15/11 David J. Shepard 12/15/11

Trending: Reason, Logic No Longer a Glass Ceiling for Many

published March 15, 2012SEATTLE — Fremont neighborhood resident Kristina Meldau has spent the last year sharing with those who will listen a dramatic evolution in her world view, one that has allowed her to break through what she calls a “glass ceiling in [her] relationship to the world.” The change came after she abandoned what she calls a “niggling insistence on observing basic reason and logic” in her interactions with others.“This month has been a real eye-opener,” said Meldau from a coffee shop in the neighborhood Seattleites know as the Center of the Universe. “Reason and logic were the dual constraints that kept me bound, Prometheus-like, to a way of living and being in the world that is totally at odds with nature. Instead of being disemboweled continuously by birds of prey, I decided to liberate myself from their tyranny, and in fact this experience is exactly what the Greeks were alluding to when they wrote the sequel to that myth, Prometheus Unbound, under the pseudonym Percy Bysshe Shelley in 1820.”“It’s this type of innovative, trailblazing thinking that makes our country great. If two Chinese immigrants like George and Weezie Washington can found this country on income from a dry cleaners, and we can become the greatest civilization in the universe, then these are the things that help strengthen my conviction that I am on the right path,” said Meldau, adding “They wouldn’t call it the right path if it weren’t making a bee-line directly toward righteousness.”While the Internet is her preferred channel of communication, Meldau shared the gory details of her journey toward what she calls “the new enlightenment” during a grueling six-hour face to face conversation consisting primarily of responses to her own hypothetical questions. During the interview she touched on nearly every subject about which an individual can have an opinion, including some subjects that were previously thought to be beyond further speculation.“The logic is so simple, which is why 936 percent of the American population agree with me when I take the time to explain it.“If I suspect something, then I have the right to feel it, and if I am feeling it then I must have thought it. When we have the courage of our convictions, then alchemy has taught us that what we feel and think combine with our life essence and become belief, and belief is clearly beyond any sort of investigation of merit based on reason or logic.“It took a very long time and several counseling sessions for me to develop the courage needed to stand up for one’s beliefs in the face of ideas as insidious as logic and reason. Now that I have that courage, it’s my responsibility to share with others the freedom represented by this way of looking at the world.”“If there’s anything that I’ve learned from the current economic climate it’s that innovation is the key to unlocking our hidden future. And innovation is defined as having the right to think and do exactly what I want, and to feel justified in doing that because that is my God-given right as someone who knows what the definition of innovation is.“We need new solutions to the problems we face as a country. The old solutions were designed for a time when logic and reason were being used to keep people in fear of the future by undermining their faith in themselves and their fellow citizens. But I live in a world that I can feel and see and touch, and nothing is more real than that. I have become a living, breathing example of how to use alchemy to turn what I don’t know into the gold of conviction.“How awesome is that? Wait for it…“So awesome that only .001 percent of the world population can ever get there, including the 50 percent of the American populace that has already gotten there.“The only reason more people haven’t jumped on board with this is that the mainstream media conspires to keep us hidebound to traditions like reason and logic as a form of control.“I, for one, refuse to allow myself to be controlled in this way.”Near the conclusion of the interview, Meldau was joined by Chris Meldau (no relation), her boyfriend of three years. Chris has provided much needed support in Kristina’s march toward her vision of an absolute truth.“I used to be afraid of what I did not know, because it reminded me of the limitations of human understanding,” he said. “But with Kristina’s help I came to the true understanding — that not having enough facts to form an educated opinion shouldn’t be a barrier to belief.“And conversely, if I am unaware of the so-called facts that would force me to change my beliefs, then they don’t exist. Because if a tree falls in the forest, then there is no way of knowing if it strikes the ground and makes a sound if I am not there to observe it. It’s all so reasonable.”The two laughed at Chris’s use of the word “reasonable” to describe their shared belief, a word they have come to view as less and less relevant to the context they are living in.“Maybe that’s not the word we should use,” said Kristina, turning to her boyfriend with a smile, “but old habits die hard. I know I speak for both of us, however, when I say that the future is not a source of anxiety for me anymore. It’s a glorious path to be on.”# # #

David J. Shepard 8/13/11 David J. Shepard 8/13/11

Report: Prayer in Schools Not Solution to Underperforming Schools

published April 15, 2014LOS ANGELES, CA – Strapped by diminishing tax revenues and the worst economic climate since the early 80s, three years ago the Los Angeles public schools began a new initiative designed to improve outcomes for the students and schools most at risk: the Divine Intervention Program, which re-introduced prayer in schools.In 2011 when the initiative began, California schools had the fifth-highest percentage of failing schools in the country. While the debate about what constitutes a failing school raged, the Los Angeles Unified School District decided to try a measure its staunchest opponents called drastic and its most fervent advocates called long overdue.“The district leadership met in [Superintendent Dr. James] Deasy’s office in the spring of 2011 to plan for the coming school year,” said Dr. Janalyn Williams Glymph, LAUSD’s personnel director. “We were trying to figure out how to better communicate about how the economic climate was impacting the performance of our students.”“There was no public consensus on how to effectively support school reform, but what we did agree on is that in the current climate, any reasonable person would acknowledge that we should be praying for our students.”“And that’s when one of the state representatives, Franklin Roosevelt, said, ‘Maybe that’s the solution we’ve been ignoring for three decades. If we are going to need to pray for them in order for them to miraculously get the benefits we all agree a student should receive from their public schooling, maybe we can maximize our resources and re-introduce prayer in schools, and get everyone praying for the students.’”“It was sort of like an a-ha moment for us,” said Williams Glymph. “Most of us had grown up in the 80s ourselves and were familiar with the Norwegian group that had made such a big impact on our musical taste. So we said, alright, let’s give it a try.”“Really, this was something that was a return to values,” said Representative Roosevelt. “Clearly one of our countries founding principles is a separation of church and state.”“But an even more fundamental value is that we as Americans should work to bootstrap ourselves up. Giving students the ability to pray in school again was a way to encourage entrepreneurship and allow students to take control over their own learning.”“Whatever our personal system of belief, there is almost universal agreement in this country and among our business and industry that entrepreneurship and innovative, outside the box thinking is the key to American competitiveness.”The program was initiated for the 2011-12 academic year. Initial results were mixed, but success at several schools led to the program being expanded district-wide.Some parents but particularly educators were anxious about the transition.“Some of the problems we faced and continue to face are systemic,” said public school teacher Manning West. “Many were because of a lack of funding. And a considerable number were because of a failure to reach consensus on what education should be doing, in its most basic form.”“But because children are our biggest investment in our future, we thought it was worth a shot. Put them in the hands of an omniscient power that can see into the future and provide for their needs.”“As a Deist, and lapsed Skeptic, I was skeptical,” said Pamela Watson, an active member of the Parent Teacher Student Association in her school district. “Although my faith may make me an anachronism, it also maps most closely to the religious outlook of our Founding Fathers, who were no less a product of their experiences during the Enlightenment than our students, and my children, will be a product of our time.”Initial results from the yearly assessments during the first year gave some in the district renewed hope.“In the past, I never got more than 25 percent of the questions right on the spelling tests I was askd [sic] to take,” wrote one second grade student, Melissa D. “But from what I learnt [sic] about the power of prayer, I decided I would pray to receive His blessings and also the ability to spell.”“Now I get at least 45 percent of the questions right.”But the gains turned out to not be enough. A report released today from the school district says that the high school dropout rate in 2007 was approximately 26 percent. Those figures haven’t decreased significantly in the seven years since, although the report cautions that “any increase or decrease could never be definitively ascribed to the Divine Intervention Program.”State lawmakers in Sacramento continue to debate an appropriate response to the report.“Look,” said new LAUSD superintendant Dr. Jonathan Lock, “I can only tell you what I see.”“I cannot argue against the value of religion as a way to help us understand our human strength and frailty, as well as our nature as spiritual beings, however you define that term.”“For many years, the Bible and texts from other religious faiths have provided a foundation in ethics and a basis for our social relationships that should not be ignored.”“And while the Bible can provide invaluable wisdom about how to conduct ourselves in the world, what it does not provide is a process for enacting lasting, systemic education reform that will prepare students to lead us all forward in a century defined by global competition.”“I am discouraged by the report, obviously,” said California State Governor Thomas Cruz. “But like faith, this is one of many possible options. We will continue to work for solutions.”# # #

David J. Shepard 8/11/11 David J. Shepard 8/11/11

City Divided by Divisive Personality

published September 14, 2013

CHICAGO – A city that believed it had overcome its historical struggles is divided once again along the North-South lines that once defined its haves and have nots. Some 45 years after the Democratic National Convention that proved a watershed for the civil rights movement of the 60s, the struggle this time is between the oversensitivity-rich North Side of Chicago and their filter-poor neighbors to the South.

The animosity was sparked by former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Guillen, now a broadcaster for the team, brought pride to residents of Chicago’s South Side when his 2005 team won the first World Series Championship since Joe Jackson changed the word “Shoeless” into an epithet most people only wanted associated with their wives. Guillen’s comments were made during the bottom half of the fifth inning at a game at Seven Name Changes Deep Financial Institution Field, which also happened to be Disco Record Bobble Head Doll Day.

Asked about what he would do with his bobble head when the game was over, Guillen responded “Throw that shit away. Who wants a bobble head of a disco record? I mean, yeah it’s a bobble head, and this may make me unpopular, but the truth is those things all look the same anyway. One more bobble head in my basement, what is that going to prove?”

“I mean, I have played the third-most games at shortstop of any player named Ozzie in major league history. I don’t need more trophies.”

Guillen’s on-air comments sparked a torrent of tweets, re-tweets, wall posts, shares, calls for a dislike button, unfriendings, and requests to connect through LinkedIn. Within 30 minutes, video of the broadcast had been viewed 6,775,235,700 times on YouTube, making it the third-most watched YouTube video ever.

Team officials were quick to attempt to distance themselves from the controversy. “Ozzie knows this, because we have talked about it many times in the past,” said General Manager Ken “Rooster” Harrelson. “There are three things you cannot talk about in professional sports – politics, religion and homosexuality. Our Communications staff is not clear on this, but what they have told me to state is that this touches on all three, and as such is clearly outside of the lines of what you can say about something that happens either inside or outside of the lines.”

But despite threats against his life and against his collection of My Little Pony figurines, Guillen remained unremorseful, adding fuel to the flames when he said in another public statement, “El Gallito, I can say whatever the fuck I want, it’s my First Amendment right to free speech. So suck it, Gallito.”

In statement Harrelson made the next day, and issued a terse but firm rebuke, when he said “Technically, he’s right, he’s within his rights to say that.”

Residents of Chicago’s North Side were quick to call for an official reprimand, or at least tickets to the next White Sox-Cubs series at Wrigley. Their fervor, which gathered momentum through flyers posted on bulletin boards at Whole Foods, REI and other centers of public activity, led to a march on City Hall, where they were met by White Sox fans. Discussions of whether or not the Sox staff ERA+ was a sign of pitching superiority devolved into insults against Harold Baines and the inevitable violent conflict erupted.

City politicians were quick to mobilize in an effort to ease tensions. Former President Obama led a rally a Soldier Field, where he addressed a crowd anxious to end the three days of passive aggression between co-workers.

“I know it is a surprise to many of you that I would take the time to stand here, on the playing field of a sport that only has one team here in Chicago, and address the comments Mr. Guillen made as if they could be taken seriously,” said Mr. Obama. “But as the first post-racial President, and also the President whose term was described as ‘The Most Disappointing Ever,’ I want to tell you that we, as proud Chicagoans, have no place in our town for any form of bigotry or hatred – either the comments Mr. Guillen made, or the violence and tension that was caused by fans of both teams.”

As Jesse Jackson cried behind him on the stage, Mr. Obama talked about his experience growing up and the impact the hatred he and his family experienced had on his formative years.

“It was a source of great hurt, but also provided me with the motivation to eventually run for the White House.”

“We all know how that turned out, but still, let’s try and use this to make a commitment to changing the way we behave with each other. I don’t know about you, but I am looking at the man in the mirror, not the fan in the bleacher!”

Other celebrities in attendance were Kanye West and his recent wife Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Peggy Tanous of Real Wives of Orange County. Tanous received a riotous reception as she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.

“I know firsthand what this type of prejudice can do to a person,” she said, trying to coax her tear ducts into action. “My fellow cast members and I are mistaken for each other continually. We cannot even approach a Real Doll factory for fear of being accidentally packed into a box and shipped somewhere with a cooler climate than Southern California.”

“As I am up here, getting the type of attention I so desperately crave, I beg you do not accessorize with hate!”

The crowd burst into applause, as a group of bobble heads on the stage also nodded their approval continuously.

Another Rally Cap for Reconciliation is scheduled to be held this Wednesday, on Michael Jordan Plaza, which overlooks Scottie Pippen Plaza on the new site of United Arena, re-christened Re-United and it Feels So Good Arena for the event.

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David J. Shepard 8/11/11 David J. Shepard 8/11/11

Rioting Redeemed through Act of God

published August 31, 2011

LONDON, WASHINGTON, D.C., MUMBAI and BERLIN – After three weeks of rioting that spread from London to nearly every large city in the world, resulting in countless deaths and even more injuries, a phenomenon appeared in the sky above cities such as Sao Paulo, London, New York, Mumbai, Beijing, Madrid, Mexico City, Paris, Cairo, Tokyo and Lima. It is being hailed by many as a message from a higher power ushering in a new age of justice and equality – in the form of rainbows.

The phenomenon began shortly after the police in those cities, aided by the military, had finally managed to crush the protests and protesters that took to the streets to demand justice and their rights as human beings. As tanks and military vehicles around the world chased the few remaining survivors of the cities affected by the riots into dark alleys and “disappeared” them, rain began to fall, washing away the blood that had flowed from the bodies of women, children and citizens of nearly every age, victims of a few who had attempted to “provoke violence and foment unrest at the expense of their fellow country people,” said President Barack Obama in the first official non-military response to the events many have deemed “Dog Days Doomsday.”“But what we have seen this month, the bloodiest month in the history of the world, including both World Wars, is that no one group of individuals can keep people from finding freedom from the oppression of a few. Clearly, only the government, and in particular a government with a strong military industrial complex, can end the life of suffering that so many racked by poverty, displaced and dispossessed, and in many cases deprived of what we in the West call natural human rights, had to suffer until this week.”“In time we will all say that the billions of people who suffered and died from the actions of these few hundred millions have not died in vain, when the history of this incident is written by White House Press Staff and their equivalents in other countries. Or whenever we finally get down to crafting the messaging regarding this difficult time in the lives of so many governments.”Shortly after the rain, these signs from above, as many refer to them, were interpreted merely as the result of rain.“But clearly this was a very pessimistic view,” said Chancellor Angela Merkel of the former Germany, now know as German Solid State Engineering. “We began alerting our remaining citizens to the reality that these were, in fact, a sign that the turmoil and fear and violence they and their families, neighbors, pets, associates and nearly all of our country’s more undesirable elements had the misfortune to fall victim to was in fact, over. And this was a sign for hope and peace that might perhaps last a thousand years, if our calculations were accurate.”“I spoke with Chancellor Merkel in the last week of this period of unfortunate chaos, and our thoughts were eerily aligned,” said Mr. Obama. “Like me, her heart went out to an entire world struggling to make sense of this. But we saw that the time for action would come, and that we would be able to transition into something much more peaceful, stable, and friendly to markets.”In different countries, people started to take note of these spectacles that filled their skies. “I knew it was a sign,” said Bobby E. Leigh of Sydney, Australia, “like the sign He had given man before that once the flood was over, we would never have to suffer through that again. And even counting the tsunamis and stuff, that has been technically accurate.”“You must believe,” said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, “and not only because we are telling you to. I mean, last night, we had another rainbow. It was a double rainbow. Almost a triple rainbow. Oh my god.”One former member of government spoke with this reporter not for attribution, out of respect for the authority of the head of his country.“This event has tugged on the hearts of many, as Mr. Obama said, although I had the strings of my heart surgically removed many many years ago, and so have lost this capacity. But I know that others might feel it, based on memory from my very very very early youth.”Residents of different countries have called the phenomenon by different names: The Ghandi Light, Cinturon de Chavez, Evangelion Number 13, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue, but the effect has been the same – to instill in the world’s people a sense of hope that was, for that nearly three weeks, almost entirely gone.British Prime Minister David Cameron, whose country was the place the riots that would engulf the world began, said that the time has come for healing. “No one could have predicted the violence that ensued from the acts of aggression of people with no respect for the rule of law, or for the abuse of that rule of law by their country’s law enforcement.”“We can only hope that we never see this time again,” said Cameron. “Which is why I am announcing shortly that a new election will be held this fall to affirm this country’s confidence in its government.”“Just as these rainbows have followed on the heels of a very tough time, so our governments, in the United Kingdom and the world, will respond in ways that reflect the gravity of the situation.”“Given the renewed optimism that now exists, and the incredible efforts that people have already made to put systems of government back in place, we can all remain hopeful.”“There is nothing perhaps more magical than a rainbow, or the double rainbows that have been seen in nearly every part of the globe. The only thing more magical would be unicorns. But only slightly more magical.”In a sentiment echoed by leaders in nearly every country, Cameron summed up his feelings.“I have never been prouder to lead this country.”# # #