God Turns to Sabermetrics As Last Resort
published January 20, 2012BALTIMORE, MD. — God and Bill James, the undisputed God of Sabermetrics, have begun a new collaboration in an effort to help humanity recapture its gift for being decent to each other. The collaboration draws upon God’s ability to see and know everything, and James’ uncanny ability to assign a quantitative value to behavior that is difficult to quantify in other terms. James is a pioneer of Sabermetrics, which Wikipedia defines as “a specialized analysis of baseball through objective, empirical evidence, specifically baseball statistics that measure in-game activity.”James sat down with this reporter to discuss his new project with God, and what the two hope to accomplish through their work together. God, in keeping with his millennia-old style of communicating with humanity, was present in the room as a general sense of the futility of human endeavor and a strong appreciation for the sublimity of creation.“If I can take the liberty of speaking for both of us on this, I think the feeling that humanity has lost its way is a feeling many of us share,” said James when asked how the collaboration began. “But few of us can pin down exactly why we feel that way, other than some vague concepts like ‘bad economy’ or ‘cheating boyfriend.’ So we set out to identify some mathematical formulas capable of expressing some fairly un-nuanced concepts.“We wanted something that would identify individual performance. Not surprisingly, in the beginning, God was in favor of some team level metrics. But we agreed that the key to early acceptance of these new statistical measures was a sense of personal accountability. Self-centeredness being what it is, and God has some pretty amazing data on this, we decided to start with the individual.”“The new metrics build on some happiness and wellness indicators that take into account factors like income, health and education. Our new metrics also measure the amount of happiness and joy you create in your life, and in particular your ability to create these feelings and experiences for others: Instead of ‘trying to make a dollar,’ we want to encourage people to think about how much better it would be to introduce yourself to your significant other by by making an invitation to a date with an origami bird made from a dollar.”The categories:Gathering ScoreSaid James, “This measures your power of what many would call transmutation by looking at whether or not you are making chicken salad out of chicken feathers or if you are taking your ability to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and turning those dollars into a BMW and a lawsuit against your co-conspirators for defamation.”Relative Awesomeness“This metric is a measure of efficiency, specifically how close you get to the value of e=mc2 when you measure how much joy and happiness you create out of the resources you have. This metric takes into account the happiness and wellness of those most intimately connected to you, based on an algorithm God created that uses irrational numbers.”ASSHOLE Value, or Algorithmic Substitution over Standard Holistic Object Limit Evaluation“This is our most complex metric, and involves some number crunching that at this point can only be done in the mind of God, as human processing power isn’t quite there yet. The basic gist: If someone were to plug you into a simulation that maps extremely closely to reality, and the algorithm used to simulate your behavior is identical to your actual behavior, then you are less spontaneous that an algorithm. The less spontaneous, the higher the ASSHOLE value.”Z-Zone Rating“This surprisingly simple metric measures how infectious your joy and enthusiasm for life are as a measure of how long a similarly infectious zombie would take to infect a model city of 3 million people. It’s based on the work Kevan Davis and Matt Cordes did around Zombie Infection Simulation [editor’s note: you can find this online at http://zombies.insertdisc.com/mattcordes/ ].Amazingly, the new rankings, accessible soon to all humanity, do not skew toward celebrities or others one would think would dominate these types of statistical measures.“New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady does rank exceptionally highly, in the top three actually, but other than him, the list is comprised of ordinary people doing extraordinary things with the gifts they have. There’s also a child in La Paz, Bolivia showing great promise at a very young age.“To me, compiling these rankings, and having a chance to collaborate with someone whose work I respect so much, was a humbling reminder of how easy it can be to be someone other people admire, respect and ultimately love. I hope the release of these rankings in December of this year can be a resource to those of us who see the value in valuing things that go unappreciated by society at large for reasons that only my collaborator understands.”# # #
City Divided by Divisive Personality
CHICAGO – A city that believed it had overcome its historical struggles is divided once again along the North-South lines that once defined its haves and have nots. Some 45 years after the Democratic National Convention that proved a watershed for the civil rights movement of the 60s, the struggle this time is between the oversensitivity-rich North Side of Chicago and their filter-poor neighbors to the South.
The animosity was sparked by former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Guillen, now a broadcaster for the team, brought pride to residents of Chicago’s South Side when his 2005 team won the first World Series Championship since Joe Jackson changed the word “Shoeless” into an epithet most people only wanted associated with their wives. Guillen’s comments were made during the bottom half of the fifth inning at a game at Seven Name Changes Deep Financial Institution Field, which also happened to be Disco Record Bobble Head Doll Day.
Asked about what he would do with his bobble head when the game was over, Guillen responded “Throw that shit away. Who wants a bobble head of a disco record? I mean, yeah it’s a bobble head, and this may make me unpopular, but the truth is those things all look the same anyway. One more bobble head in my basement, what is that going to prove?”
“I mean, I have played the third-most games at shortstop of any player named Ozzie in major league history. I don’t need more trophies.”
Guillen’s on-air comments sparked a torrent of tweets, re-tweets, wall posts, shares, calls for a dislike button, unfriendings, and requests to connect through LinkedIn. Within 30 minutes, video of the broadcast had been viewed 6,775,235,700 times on YouTube, making it the third-most watched YouTube video ever.
Team officials were quick to attempt to distance themselves from the controversy. “Ozzie knows this, because we have talked about it many times in the past,” said General Manager Ken “Rooster” Harrelson. “There are three things you cannot talk about in professional sports – politics, religion and homosexuality. Our Communications staff is not clear on this, but what they have told me to state is that this touches on all three, and as such is clearly outside of the lines of what you can say about something that happens either inside or outside of the lines.”
But despite threats against his life and against his collection of My Little Pony figurines, Guillen remained unremorseful, adding fuel to the flames when he said in another public statement, “El Gallito, I can say whatever the fuck I want, it’s my First Amendment right to free speech. So suck it, Gallito.”
In statement Harrelson made the next day, and issued a terse but firm rebuke, when he said “Technically, he’s right, he’s within his rights to say that.”
Residents of Chicago’s North Side were quick to call for an official reprimand, or at least tickets to the next White Sox-Cubs series at Wrigley. Their fervor, which gathered momentum through flyers posted on bulletin boards at Whole Foods, REI and other centers of public activity, led to a march on City Hall, where they were met by White Sox fans. Discussions of whether or not the Sox staff ERA+ was a sign of pitching superiority devolved into insults against Harold Baines and the inevitable violent conflict erupted.
City politicians were quick to mobilize in an effort to ease tensions. Former President Obama led a rally a Soldier Field, where he addressed a crowd anxious to end the three days of passive aggression between co-workers.
“I know it is a surprise to many of you that I would take the time to stand here, on the playing field of a sport that only has one team here in Chicago, and address the comments Mr. Guillen made as if they could be taken seriously,” said Mr. Obama. “But as the first post-racial President, and also the President whose term was described as ‘The Most Disappointing Ever,’ I want to tell you that we, as proud Chicagoans, have no place in our town for any form of bigotry or hatred – either the comments Mr. Guillen made, or the violence and tension that was caused by fans of both teams.”
As Jesse Jackson cried behind him on the stage, Mr. Obama talked about his experience growing up and the impact the hatred he and his family experienced had on his formative years.
“It was a source of great hurt, but also provided me with the motivation to eventually run for the White House.”
“We all know how that turned out, but still, let’s try and use this to make a commitment to changing the way we behave with each other. I don’t know about you, but I am looking at the man in the mirror, not the fan in the bleacher!”
Other celebrities in attendance were Kanye West and his recent wife Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Peggy Tanous of Real Wives of Orange County. Tanous received a riotous reception as she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.
“I know firsthand what this type of prejudice can do to a person,” she said, trying to coax her tear ducts into action. “My fellow cast members and I are mistaken for each other continually. We cannot even approach a Real Doll factory for fear of being accidentally packed into a box and shipped somewhere with a cooler climate than Southern California.”
“As I am up here, getting the type of attention I so desperately crave, I beg you do not accessorize with hate!”
The crowd burst into applause, as a group of bobble heads on the stage also nodded their approval continuously.
Another Rally Cap for Reconciliation is scheduled to be held this Wednesday, on Michael Jordan Plaza, which overlooks Scottie Pippen Plaza on the new site of United Arena, re-christened Re-United and it Feels So Good Arena for the event.
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Slugger: Without a new contract, how am I going to feed my great-great-great-great-great grandchildren?
“Suppose we were to cave to his demands? We are on the hook for that?” asked team president Ted Paramount.
“We are taking all of the risk here. If, for some reason, attendance fell to levels of five years ago, that’s only about 15,000 fans a game. Our accountant, who graduated top of his class from an exclusive Ivy League university, tells us that it would take us at least 15 years to recover our original investment that way, if we hadn’t already six years ago. That is a chance we can’t take.”
published September 22, 2011
ST. LOUIS – St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Josh Rodriguez, and his demands for a new contract, have been the focus of sports fans across the country for the last two weeks. His contract will set the market for future players, and as seen as a referendum on the value of baseball in this mid-sized city.“I don’t want special treatment,” said Rodriguez in an interview with KNDL. “I just want what I have earned. This team’s success is totally a result of my production. It would be foolish to think otherwise. I find it hard to believe that the ownership doesn’t recognize this.”Rodriguez is entering the final year of a eight-year contract he signed in 2003. The club holds a $20 million option for 2012, but Rodriguez has stated his peace of mind, and future production, is dependent on this validation of his worth.“I’ve made a living in this game, but to be able to provide for the next eight generations of my family, I need the peace of mind that only a heavily armed compound and the gross domestic product of a country like Moldova can provide.”Over the course of his career, Rodriguez has earned $186 million. But he has created a ground swell of support from fans for his demands.“Say if I am facing a good pitcher, and there are men on second and third in a close game, do the fans really want me thinking about how I can single-handedly eradicate poverty for the next eight generations of my family? Does ownership? I have seen the hardships of being poor first hand, and this is something I never want my great-great-great-great grandchildren to experience,” said Rodriguez.”I mean, with the way things are going, the money I make now will only be worth one one hundredth of its current value by then. You can’t expect my great-great-great-great grandchildren to live through that. I can’t imagine anymore, but I suspect it would be hell on earth.”Ownership has held fast to their position that Rodriguez has to earn the money, and that another year of production is the minimum requirement.“Suppose we were to cave to his demands? We are on the hook for that?” asked team president Ted Paramount. “We are taking all of the risk here. If, for some reason, attendance fell to levels of five years ago, that’s only about 15,000 fans a game. Our accountant, who graduated top of his class from an exclusive Ivy League university, tells us that it would take us at least 15 years to recover our original investment that way, if we hadn’t already six years ago. That is a chance we can’t take.”“In addition, that would represent a significantly lower return than the other assets in our portfolio. Say we cave to his demands, and then the other investments in our portfolio decide they need to be compensated as well. It sets a very dangerous precedent.”“All I know is, there were rumors that the team was considering a player, who is not even in my same league,” Rodriguez said. “Why would they pay him?” When asked who the player was and why he wasn’t in the same league, Rodriguez responded, “He’s some guy in AAA. He hasn’t played a game in the majors yet. Whereas I have earned this show of respect.”“Does he want to be a billionaire?” said Paramount. “I have been there, and it’s no cake walk. The pressures I am under every day are unbelievable. He talks about his next eight generations, but I have 12 generations to worry about.”“This is a long-term investment for me.”Season ticket holder Greg Armisen voiced the concern of fans.“Look, I pay a lot of money, in the tens of thousands, for my box seats. I want to protect the value of that investment. There are plenty of other things I could be doing, but I choose to come to baseball games. I mean, it’s the American past time. And I like baseball as well, I guess.”Added Rodriguez, “Who cares if this planet will be hardly recognizable by the end of that time? My great-great-great-great grand children will recognize it. And probably as something that none of us now, the way we are going, would ever want to live through. I can’t have that on my mind, facing a reliever like the one I faced yesterday with the bases loaded in the ninth, and down two runs. With that type of distraction, it’s possible I could fail to perform, as I did yesterday.”Asked about the reason he decided to bring the issue up now, when the team is merely one game out of the division lead during the last week of the season, Rodriguez said, “I don’t know. But I am pessimistic, based on the lack of progress made this year.”Asked about the basis of this pessimism, Rodriguez answered, “It’s just a feeling I have. Plus I heard something the other day on FOX that sort of got me thinking, that the federal government was having financial issues of its own. I can’t say for sure, but I think so.”When he asked reporters if they had heard similar claims, they looked at each other blankly. To which Rodriguez responded, “I don’t know either, but I blame this whole fiasco on the effect of the liberal media.”# # #