Happy But Greasy Double Kidney Donation Survivor Gets Final Wish - "I'm SO Trill!"
(Memphis, TN - December 7, 2022) - He’s dead, and he left a note, on a $1 bill:
“These motherfuckers are gonna miss this big, bold and beautiful Black man. The nation never deserved me. Please protect my estate.”
Huckabee Finn, the tech worker who discovered the note, knew him from the music community, where they were both fans of the musical group Taxidermied Frontbutt. They call themselves the Frontbutt Hoes, and their listeners number in the trillions, based on Spotify receipts found in the tech worker’s mother’s basement in the Turks and Caicos.
“We shared so much, on account of him being so near and dear to me, in this highly connected world we live in. I will miss having access to his humor.com, his laugh.org, and the left testicle photos I used to woo the Wu-mommies with on that other site he liked,” said Finn.
“Whatever his username was, I only know the password, services should be held, or at least not withheld internally, he was that generous with everyone.”
You can get your share of the estate by taking a dollar out of your pocket and buying a pixel on his website, A-Trillion-Google-Employee’s-Trillion-Pixel-Fund.us
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Next story: That thing you do? Yeah, it's not so unique.
Film Critic More Critical of Nearly Everything Else
published June 22, 2011RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Jeremy Ryder is one of the most popular – and trusted – film critics in the country. His syndicated columns and tv show help America know what they like. And his reviews can make or break a film. Ryder sat down with Entertainment Bi-Daily to talk about his craft at his estate in Rancho Cucamonga in preparation for filming of the 5,000th episode of his tv show.Ryder’s 7,000 square foot home is straight from one of the movies he writes about so elegantly. Ryder brought us poolside to talk about his uncanny knack for measuring the zeitgeist, a skill which led the American Association of Film Journalists to call him “The best living example of excellence in film criticism” and “a true bellwether for America’s experience with film.”EBD: Thanks for having us in your home, it’s beautiful. Clearly film and the film industry has treated you well.JR: Well, I love film, and I particularly love movies. Movies have added so much to my life, I feel like it is my duty, as a movie lover, to share what I’ve learned from watching for four decades, so that others can share my unconditional love for movies as well.EBD: What is it like to be one of the most respected journalists working in any field today?JR: First, let me say that I don’t really see myself as a journalist. I see myself as a tool for helping people unlock their reactions to a film. What I do is show people themselves, as they look to themselves through the gauze filter of Hollywood’s cameras.Someone like Samantha Shaw of the Fresno Bee, I think of her as one of the best journalists in the country. Her most recent series on the impact of agribusiness on sustainable food production, and the detrimental and de-stablizing role of agribusiness in the developing world, that’s brilliant. In three generations we have caused more ecological harm than probably the entire previous human history.Her work has changed my life. It helped me stand strong in my convictions. For the past twelve years, I have committed to eating sustainably and organically produced food that is, more importantly, locally sourced. That’s meat, produce, everything. As a country we consume a disproportionate amount of global resources. We also have a disproportionate impact on the environment. So I think as a country we have a moral obligation to repay this debt we’ve unloaded on the developing world, starting with the way we live our lives every day.That’s the power of journalism.I may have 315,000 Twitter followers to her 400, but she is still one of the people I look up to in journalism.EBD: But clearly people look up to you as well. JR: Yes, they do. And I look up to them, too, by giving them everything they need to know, to know how to feel about a film. The respect is mutual.EBD: Your influence is unmatched, no?JR: (laughing) Yes, what you see around you speaks to that.EBD: So do you disagree? James Cameron credits you with single-handedly helping people appreciate his films.JR: Oh, I love his work! A movie like "Titanic," I think I said it best when I said, “See it now! It’s a timeless love story that connects us to our romantic past. See it now!”EBD: So true.JR: But endowing corporations with all the rights of individuals has also been influential. Our political system is no longer as responsive to the needs of its citizens, it has lost its concern with assuring the provision and access to things we once described as the Social Good. That’s an example of influence that I don’t think any of us would point to as positive.EBD: OK. What are some of your favorite recent films?JR: I loved "Crazy, Stupid, Love." When I said “'Crazy, Stupid, Love' is crazy stoopid good!” I meant it. Ryan Gosling is exactly who we want to believe has problems developing deep, lasting relationships. The chemistry between him and Emma Stone – it’s magical. Like a unicorn. It’s almost like they met at least two weeks before filming started! Stone plays her role of a woman in a film flawlessly.And not to return to Cameron, but a film like "Avatar" is so well loved for a reason. It’s touching, timely and poignant. That film does a perfect job of doing what film does so incredibly, which is let us look at it.I’ve seen more than 200,000 films and I love every one of them. It’s impossible to have a favorite, in the same way a parent loves every one of their children equally.EBD: Where do you see film going? Where would you like to see it go?JR: I’d like to see film continue to connect us to our humanity. If I learned anything from my years as a lover first and critic second of film, is that we need to keep watching everything. The 282 films that are coming out this summer, I predict will be the best summer films of the year. Two enthusiastic thumbs and eight ecstatic fingers up!# # #
City Divided by Divisive Personality
published September 14, 2013
CHICAGO – A city that believed it had overcome its historical struggles is divided once again along the North-South lines that once defined its haves and have nots. Some 45 years after the Democratic National Convention that proved a watershed for the civil rights movement of the 60s, the struggle this time is between the oversensitivity-rich North Side of Chicago and their filter-poor neighbors to the South.
The animosity was sparked by former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Guillen, now a broadcaster for the team, brought pride to residents of Chicago’s South Side when his 2005 team won the first World Series Championship since Joe Jackson changed the word “Shoeless” into an epithet most people only wanted associated with their wives. Guillen’s comments were made during the bottom half of the fifth inning at a game at Seven Name Changes Deep Financial Institution Field, which also happened to be Disco Record Bobble Head Doll Day.
Asked about what he would do with his bobble head when the game was over, Guillen responded “Throw that shit away. Who wants a bobble head of a disco record? I mean, yeah it’s a bobble head, and this may make me unpopular, but the truth is those things all look the same anyway. One more bobble head in my basement, what is that going to prove?”
“I mean, I have played the third-most games at shortstop of any player named Ozzie in major league history. I don’t need more trophies.”
Guillen’s on-air comments sparked a torrent of tweets, re-tweets, wall posts, shares, calls for a dislike button, unfriendings, and requests to connect through LinkedIn. Within 30 minutes, video of the broadcast had been viewed 6,775,235,700 times on YouTube, making it the third-most watched YouTube video ever.
Team officials were quick to attempt to distance themselves from the controversy. “Ozzie knows this, because we have talked about it many times in the past,” said General Manager Ken “Rooster” Harrelson. “There are three things you cannot talk about in professional sports – politics, religion and homosexuality. Our Communications staff is not clear on this, but what they have told me to state is that this touches on all three, and as such is clearly outside of the lines of what you can say about something that happens either inside or outside of the lines.”
But despite threats against his life and against his collection of My Little Pony figurines, Guillen remained unremorseful, adding fuel to the flames when he said in another public statement, “El Gallito, I can say whatever the fuck I want, it’s my First Amendment right to free speech. So suck it, Gallito.”
In statement Harrelson made the next day, and issued a terse but firm rebuke, when he said “Technically, he’s right, he’s within his rights to say that.”
Residents of Chicago’s North Side were quick to call for an official reprimand, or at least tickets to the next White Sox-Cubs series at Wrigley. Their fervor, which gathered momentum through flyers posted on bulletin boards at Whole Foods, REI and other centers of public activity, led to a march on City Hall, where they were met by White Sox fans. Discussions of whether or not the Sox staff ERA+ was a sign of pitching superiority devolved into insults against Harold Baines and the inevitable violent conflict erupted.
City politicians were quick to mobilize in an effort to ease tensions. Former President Obama led a rally a Soldier Field, where he addressed a crowd anxious to end the three days of passive aggression between co-workers.
“I know it is a surprise to many of you that I would take the time to stand here, on the playing field of a sport that only has one team here in Chicago, and address the comments Mr. Guillen made as if they could be taken seriously,” said Mr. Obama. “But as the first post-racial President, and also the President whose term was described as ‘The Most Disappointing Ever,’ I want to tell you that we, as proud Chicagoans, have no place in our town for any form of bigotry or hatred – either the comments Mr. Guillen made, or the violence and tension that was caused by fans of both teams.”
As Jesse Jackson cried behind him on the stage, Mr. Obama talked about his experience growing up and the impact the hatred he and his family experienced had on his formative years.
“It was a source of great hurt, but also provided me with the motivation to eventually run for the White House.”
“We all know how that turned out, but still, let’s try and use this to make a commitment to changing the way we behave with each other. I don’t know about you, but I am looking at the man in the mirror, not the fan in the bleacher!”
Other celebrities in attendance were Kanye West and his recent wife Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Peggy Tanous of Real Wives of Orange County. Tanous received a riotous reception as she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.
“I know firsthand what this type of prejudice can do to a person,” she said, trying to coax her tear ducts into action. “My fellow cast members and I are mistaken for each other continually. We cannot even approach a Real Doll factory for fear of being accidentally packed into a box and shipped somewhere with a cooler climate than Southern California.”
“As I am up here, getting the type of attention I so desperately crave, I beg you do not accessorize with hate!”
The crowd burst into applause, as a group of bobble heads on the stage also nodded their approval continuously.
Another Rally Cap for Reconciliation is scheduled to be held this Wednesday, on Michael Jordan Plaza, which overlooks Scottie Pippen Plaza on the new site of United Arena, re-christened Re-United and it Feels So Good Arena for the event.
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Rioting Redeemed through Act of God
LONDON, WASHINGTON, D.C., MUMBAI and BERLIN – After three weeks of rioting that spread from London to nearly every large city in the world, resulting in countless deaths and even more injuries, a phenomenon appeared in the sky above cities such as Sao Paulo, London, New York, Mumbai, Beijing, Madrid, Mexico City, Paris, Cairo, Tokyo and Lima. It is being hailed by many as a message from a higher power ushering in a new age of justice and equality – in the form of rainbows.
The phenomenon began shortly after the police in those cities, aided by the military, had finally managed to crush the protests and protesters that took to the streets to demand justice and their rights as human beings. As tanks and military vehicles around the world chased the few remaining survivors of the cities affected by the riots into dark alleys and “disappeared” them, rain began to fall, washing away the blood that had flowed from the bodies of women, children and citizens of nearly every age, victims of a few who had attempted to “provoke violence and foment unrest at the expense of their fellow country people,” said President Barack Obama in the first official non-military response to the events many have deemed “Dog Days Doomsday.”“But what we have seen this month, the bloodiest month in the history of the world, including both World Wars, is that no one group of individuals can keep people from finding freedom from the oppression of a few. Clearly, only the government, and in particular a government with a strong military industrial complex, can end the life of suffering that so many racked by poverty, displaced and dispossessed, and in many cases deprived of what we in the West call natural human rights, had to suffer until this week.”“In time we will all say that the billions of people who suffered and died from the actions of these few hundred millions have not died in vain, when the history of this incident is written by White House Press Staff and their equivalents in other countries. Or whenever we finally get down to crafting the messaging regarding this difficult time in the lives of so many governments.”Shortly after the rain, these signs from above, as many refer to them, were interpreted merely as the result of rain.“But clearly this was a very pessimistic view,” said Chancellor Angela Merkel of the former Germany, now know as German Solid State Engineering. “We began alerting our remaining citizens to the reality that these were, in fact, a sign that the turmoil and fear and violence they and their families, neighbors, pets, associates and nearly all of our country’s more undesirable elements had the misfortune to fall victim to was in fact, over. And this was a sign for hope and peace that might perhaps last a thousand years, if our calculations were accurate.”“I spoke with Chancellor Merkel in the last week of this period of unfortunate chaos, and our thoughts were eerily aligned,” said Mr. Obama. “Like me, her heart went out to an entire world struggling to make sense of this. But we saw that the time for action would come, and that we would be able to transition into something much more peaceful, stable, and friendly to markets.”In different countries, people started to take note of these spectacles that filled their skies. “I knew it was a sign,” said Bobby E. Leigh of Sydney, Australia, “like the sign He had given man before that once the flood was over, we would never have to suffer through that again. And even counting the tsunamis and stuff, that has been technically accurate.”“You must believe,” said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, “and not only because we are telling you to. I mean, last night, we had another rainbow. It was a double rainbow. Almost a triple rainbow. Oh my god.”One former member of government spoke with this reporter not for attribution, out of respect for the authority of the head of his country.“This event has tugged on the hearts of many, as Mr. Obama said, although I had the strings of my heart surgically removed many many years ago, and so have lost this capacity. But I know that others might feel it, based on memory from my very very very early youth.”Residents of different countries have called the phenomenon by different names: The Ghandi Light, Cinturon de Chavez, Evangelion Number 13, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue, but the effect has been the same – to instill in the world’s people a sense of hope that was, for that nearly three weeks, almost entirely gone.British Prime Minister David Cameron, whose country was the place the riots that would engulf the world began, said that the time has come for healing. “No one could have predicted the violence that ensued from the acts of aggression of people with no respect for the rule of law, or for the abuse of that rule of law by their country’s law enforcement.”“We can only hope that we never see this time again,” said Cameron. “Which is why I am announcing shortly that a new election will be held this fall to affirm this country’s confidence in its government.”“Just as these rainbows have followed on the heels of a very tough time, so our governments, in the United Kingdom and the world, will respond in ways that reflect the gravity of the situation.”“Given the renewed optimism that now exists, and the incredible efforts that people have already made to put systems of government back in place, we can all remain hopeful.”“There is nothing perhaps more magical than a rainbow, or the double rainbows that have been seen in nearly every part of the globe. The only thing more magical would be unicorns. But only slightly more magical.”In a sentiment echoed by leaders in nearly every country, Cameron summed up his feelings.“I have never been prouder to lead this country.”# # #