Happy But Greasy Double Kidney Donation Survivor Gets Final Wish - "I'm SO Trill!"
(Memphis, TN - December 7, 2022) - He’s dead, and he left a note, on a $1 bill:
“These motherfuckers are gonna miss this big, bold and beautiful Black man. The nation never deserved me. Please protect my estate.”
Huckabee Finn, the tech worker who discovered the note, knew him from the music community, where they were both fans of the musical group Taxidermied Frontbutt. They call themselves the Frontbutt Hoes, and their listeners number in the trillions, based on Spotify receipts found in the tech worker’s mother’s basement in the Turks and Caicos.
“We shared so much, on account of him being so near and dear to me, in this highly connected world we live in. I will miss having access to his humor.com, his laugh.org, and the left testicle photos I used to woo the Wu-mommies with on that other site he liked,” said Finn.
“Whatever his username was, I only know the password, services should be held, or at least not withheld internally, he was that generous with everyone.”
You can get your share of the estate by taking a dollar out of your pocket and buying a pixel on his website, A-Trillion-Google-Employee’s-Trillion-Pixel-Fund.us
# # #
Next story: That thing you do? Yeah, it's not so unique.
— ADVERTISEMENT —
The Healthcare You Need, At Your Fingertips
“Our healthcare system is broken!” – Uppity Atom
The cost of healthcare – tied so much to the ever-increasing need for new technology and the system’s fee-for-service model – is driving financial ruin for too many Americans.
In response to the impossibility of paying to maintain health, as opposed to individual services, innovative companies have begun to develop products and services more responsive to your individual needs.
In an industry increasingly dominated by women – yes, even in the doctor’s office, Aunt Methusela! – a new product designed just for women is helping to drive down fees.
Introducing All-pro Reform of the Health of Care (R), a poorly-branded service from Astute.
With All-pro Healthcare Reform (R), all men are now fee for service for your sexual health and reproductive/sexually unreproductive health needs.
In addition to added convenience, All-pro Reform of Healthcare (R) adds popular COVID19-28 plans* that will help:
- Keep your service levels high but your costs well-managed
- Simplify your healthcare budgeting by introducing clear, itemized statements with prices that can be identified in advance
- Eliminate systemic inefficiencies using helpful online tools
To order, be Astute to calls from “PRIVATE” numbers** on your mobile device.
Astute retains ownership of your self-esteem needs with these plans. *‘Vibranium’ and ‘Skyrocket at Night’ plans are offered at an additional cost. **Incoming calls are marked as PRIVATE to comply with HIPAA regulations.
In Tough Times, Country Turns to Tradition
published August 18, 2011
GREENVILLE, SC — Rising food and energy costs. Depressed and depressing home values. Turmoil in the financial markets. Nearly every state in the Union has been affected by the global economic slow-down, or as some economists have begun to call it, the economic stop-down. In the face of so much uncertainty, Americans have begun the inevitable return to tradition. In cities from Tampa to Tacoma, Miami to Minneapolis, employees of companies of all sizes take Thursday mornings to Pour Out a Little Liquor for Our Homies Who Are Not Here.
The tradition goes as far back as the mid-1990s, when Dough Boy performed it for the first time in the 1991 film Boyz In the Hood. That film introduced America to the alternative spellings that thrive in our contemporary culture, and helped our nation know, care and show what goes on in the ‘hood.
Unemployment in the state of South Carolina has almost reached its historical apex, which would be the same thing as its nadir, and currently stands at 10.5 percent. While companies like Boeing and other large manufacturers have brought their plants to the state to capitalize on a hungry workforce, the current economic climate has undone gains the state took decades to create. “It’s pretty fucked up,” said Caden Capp an unemployed local resident. “I’m broke all the time. Which is definitely worse than the paycheck-to-paycheck that was happening before. At least I have my health.”
In the past, states like South Carolina have lauded their competitive advantage as "right to work" states. “Our economy remains where it needs to be, although clearly the current climate has made us re-evaluate things a bit,” said Marcia Adams, head of the South Carolina Budget and Control Board. “And we’ve made the proper adjustments — tightening up our expenditures, and we’ve changed the state constitution to officially identify ourselves as a Right to Not Work state. That brings us in line with other parts of the country. And it’s what my friends like to call apropos on a variety of levels.”
Angela Browning works in an office park just outside of the downtown area. “Originally, we took our frustrations out on office machinery. But soon we ran out of printer scanners. And with other options limited, we thought to ourselves that maybe the best thing to do would be to go back to what worked before, for the dude in the Coors commercial. In the 90s. Because we were much more prosperous then.”In the spirit of conmingled traditions that has come to typify encounters between east and west, or west and south, the printer-fax sacrificial ritual evolved from a form of protest of the soul-killing aspect of so many corporate jobs into something that could help its participants make sense of complex feelings associated with loss and grief.“The six of us here, we’ve found this helps relive the anxiety and frustration that happens when we all need to tighten our belts,” said Browning from one a group of largely empty cubicles. “Or when, for instance, when a company’s profit margin falls below what the board of directors finds comfortable.”After layoffs, staff found comfort in the fact that they had not themselves been subject to the axe. “But when we were given the responsibilities of the people that had been let go, that started to feel... not as comforting,” said Browning.Every Thursday the staff gather at the water cooler and pour some of the water from their algene bottles out onto the kitchen floor, which has the added benefit of keeping it a little cleaner after cutbacks to maintenance budgets.“It relieves the stress, reminds us of those who couldn’t be here,” said Browning. “And when the office manager comes and tells us our 15 minute break has ended, it gives us the strength we need to get back to maximizing the productivity the company requires to stay competitive.”
“So really it’s a win-win. And reciprocity is at the heart of every good, or not as bad as it could be, relationship.”
# # #