Happy But Greasy Double Kidney Donation Survivor Gets Final Wish - "I'm SO Trill!"
(Memphis, TN - December 7, 2022) - He’s dead, and he left a note, on a $1 bill:
“These motherfuckers are gonna miss this big, bold and beautiful Black man. The nation never deserved me. Please protect my estate.”
Huckabee Finn, the tech worker who discovered the note, knew him from the music community, where they were both fans of the musical group Taxidermied Frontbutt. They call themselves the Frontbutt Hoes, and their listeners number in the trillions, based on Spotify receipts found in the tech worker’s mother’s basement in the Turks and Caicos.
“We shared so much, on account of him being so near and dear to me, in this highly connected world we live in. I will miss having access to his humor.com, his laugh.org, and the left testicle photos I used to woo the Wu-mommies with on that other site he liked,” said Finn.
“Whatever his username was, I only know the password, services should be held, or at least not withheld internally, he was that generous with everyone.”
You can get your share of the estate by taking a dollar out of your pocket and buying a pixel on his website, A-Trillion-Google-Employee’s-Trillion-Pixel-Fund.us
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Next story: That thing you do? Yeah, it's not so unique.
Ruling: Platonic Harems Pose No Threat to Relationships
published June 5, 2012DETROIT – In a landmark ruling expected to set the tone for relationships for an entire generation of Americans, today the US Supremes Court, the highest court of public opinion in the land, overturned a lower court decision holding an Austin man responsible for the dissolution of his relationship because he maintained what prosecutors called a “Platonic Harem.” Citing the potential chilling effect on the relationship prospects for a “significant minority of heterosexual men,” the court ruled 2-1 that “Platonic Harems shall not be considered a reasonable threat to any romantic relationship on solid footing,” and that Platonic Harems represent a “viable if not preferable lifestyle choice that can co-exist with the prevailing Brah Culture.”The defendant in the case, Ethan Braun, 28, had been in a relationship with Suzanna Miller, 27, for three years. In their arguments, prosecutors pointed to the psychological suffering Miller experienced as a result of “the constant presence of mostly attractive and often single women in every arena of Braun’s social life” as the reason for the demise of their relationship. “It became a form of tyranny. Our next relationship partner often comes from within a group of people already familiar to us. And while our relationship didn’t have many problems, the 99 attractive female friend alternatives to me that surrounded Ethan at all times was every single one of them.”In writing the majority decision for the court, Justice Gene Simmons upheld the defense’s argument that dynamics of male-female relationships are changing rapidly, and that the court needed to move with them.“When the members of this court were Mr. Braun’s age, the only options to enjoy a football game with, or play basketball in the park were our male peers. Similarly, baby showers and board game nights were the exclusive domains of women. Without question, there has been considerable loosening of the idea of behavioral norms based on our sex, and it is entirely possible for men and women to maintain full social lives primarily involving male-female relationships without ambiguity. The companionship and camaraderie that underlies our ideal of intimacy or even platonic love can be found with either sex, without question.“And in fact, the idea that men and women cannot be friends – with no gray area – is an anachronism that undermines any notion of equality between the sexes that we might wish to promote.”In the dissenting opinion, Justice Tina Turner posed the question to the court, “What’s love got to do with it? Any man who finds so much comfort in the company of women, almost to the exclusion of any male alternatives, is bound to find some deeper, more intimate form of comfort with at least one of them at some point. Mr. Braun was forcing Ms. Miller to play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, but instead of a revolver with one bullet in the chamber, she was facing an automatic assault rifle with a fully loaded clip. Mr. Braun’s actions are in fact the direct cause of the lack of trust that led to their breakup.”Chief Justice Diana Ross was more succinct in her defense of Braun’s right to female friends. “Mr. Braun, even based exclusively on the testimony offered to this court, is a thoughtful, funny and engaging young man. Anyone, male or female, would stand to benefit from his friendship. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s kinda cute. Were I one of his friends, I would be glad to keep his company as long as he behaved himself when I wanted him to.”Justice Turner, referencing Justice Ross’ position on the issue, would go on to add “See, that right there is what I am talking about.”The ruling has already become a flash point for a society still grappling with changes to romantic and friendship norms that had held for centuries. Tanya Edmunds, a co-ed at the University of Texas, Austin, allowed us to interview her while she shopped at one of the city’s many thrift stores with her boyfriend, Thomas Alva.“I like the fact that Thomas has a lot of female friends, and in fact that was one of the things that attracted me to him. I feel like it helps him understand me better.”“But I will say, between you and me, that if I ever find out he crossed a line with one of them, I swear to God there will be hell to pay.”# # #
Study: 100 Percent of Fantasy Relationships End in Fantasy Divorce
published March 20, 2012LONDON, SAN FRANCISCO — In a report hailed as further proof of the decline of the institution of marriage and an unmooring from the ties that bond members of societies across the globe, researchers from the University of Cambridge in England released results from a six-year research study that indicate literally all fantasy marriages end within one year, usually in fantasy divorce.Fantasy relationships, or relationships that exist entirely within the imaginations of study participants, outnumbered actual relationships by a factor of ten thousand to one. While some of these crossed over into the material realm, researchers found 99.99 percent remain nothing but comforting fictions for those involved in them, generating a few weeks of pleasurable diversion before ceding way to thoughts deemed to have more practical relevance, such as grocery shopping lists or the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” by the rock group Journey.“We were shocked to find that, consistent with the fears of the Right, the institution of marriage, and in particular fantasy marriage, is under attack,” said Dr. Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge. “While most fantasy relationships lasted no more than six days for male participants or three weeks for female participants, those that did go on to develop into lasting, committed relationships in the minds and hearts of those we studied invariably ended poorly, in divorce or, almost as frequently, the untimely and tragic demise of the partner in a scene fraught with political intrigue and emotional turmoil.”Teenage girls from South Korea were found to have the longest relationships, with many lasting as long as twelve years. Players from the Italian Serie A football league were found to have the shortest, with most lasting just eight minutes, not including injury time. The majority began and ran their course in places like malls, churches, house parties and grocery checkout lines. Participants in the study found the ability to get in and out of the relationship quickly to be the biggest appeal, along with a nearly complete lack of consequences.London resident Julian Barnaby shared with this reporter details of his most recent relationship, which began at the South Kensington tube station at 8:15 am and ended upon his arrival to work near the London Bridge tube station 45 minutes later.“The attraction between Brittaney and I was apparent from the very beginning, there was an undeniable chemistry that took me by shock and really woke me up a bit, along with that morning’s coffee,” said Barnaby. “It all started when she almost looked in my direction boarding the train, and progressed rather quickly from there. She was reading The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann, one of my favorite books, and that was fairly typical of how thoughtful and insightful she would turn out to be, during our time together.“I had been looking for someone with those qualities for some time, along with the strong physical attraction that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. In that way I was very happy to have found a fellow traveler, a co-pilot if you will, for those journeys we’re engaged in every day. Real companionship often works that way, it makes what seems like a really long tube ride into something that exists outside of time.“She was very smartly dressed, and her ambition was something I respected and admired, although that was what would ultimately come between us, when she transferred in the direction of the Bank stop from Monument, while I went on to London Bridge.“We had an inkling it wouldn’t work out, when I noticed, in a private moment, the Arsenal tattoo near her ankle, and with me being for Chelsea, but we soldiered on for a few minutes, gamely.“Still, it was very shocking to learn her true feelings, the whole thing is something I’ve tried to put behind me, quite unsavory, really.”Elizabeth Carlson recently began a relationship with Michael Bradley, a regular in the café she frequents in San Francisco’s Lower Pacific Heights neighborhood.“The first thing I noticed about him was how he had our children’s eyes,” said Carlson. “Very gentle, with a hint of mischief, which made the way I translated his real-world glances into caresses in our fantasy relationship that much more plausible.“The other thing I noticed was his willingness to put me first, like the time ten minutes ago when he let me order a scone before him as he sorted through his change to pay for his Americano. I hope he never loses that quality.“It’s just a shame that it all ends so poorly, I had considered trying to initiate an actual relationship, but the whole thing with my friend Angela….”“I’m really going to miss him.”# # #
Realization Hits Hard: "Girls really do just want to have fun."
published December 6, 2011AMES, IA – Like many in a similar situation, 43 year old Phil Gluecott has found the transition to single life after his divorce more difficult that he imagined. As he struggles to create a daily routine to complement his busy work schedule, he’s also engaged in a process of self-discovery that has led him to question some of the beliefs he held dear about who is he is as an individual and concepts like community and reciprocity.“One insight that came to me pretty quickly is that girls really do just want to have fun,” said Gluecott.“It sounds silly but the women I’ve been meeting are strangely disinterested in the details of my divorce and the 13 years and 8 months I spent in a committed relationship with my ex-wife, Cheryl. For whatever reason, it seems to be a barrier that I can never really cross when it comes to helping prospective soul-mates understand the person I am becoming.”Lost and Found Lounge in Ames’ Campustown area is Gluecott’s preferred destination for these voyages of self-discovery. Gluecott, who agreed to be interviewed there for this story, says the clientele is friendly, attractive, and uniquely unburdened with much of the baggage he sees as the inevitable fallout of failed relationships.“The first few visits I was encouraged by the freedom with which shots could be exchanged, decent prices and the bartender’s light elbow,” he said. “But after a few drinks and some dancing, I often want to take time to reflect on my journey and topics like my disbelief over my ex-wife’s unwillingness to meet me for coffee on Sunday mornings after a night on the town, or her quickness to anger when I’ve called at an hour she feels is inappropriate.”Brittney Kusher is one of the Lost and Found’s patrons who’ve provided much needed support as Gluecott tries to re-enter single life.“It’s always flattering when a man wants to buy you a drink, or two even, and in spite of the age difference on a couple of evenings we’ve been able to develop a nice rapport,” said Kusher. “My graduate program can be very stressful and it’s great to be able to talk to someone who has been there before, who understands the struggle and who’s genuinely interested in making me laugh. Such a nice change from the men I’ve been meeting my age, who think everything has to be so serious.”But the casual nature of his post-marriage relationships has also become a challenge for Gluecott as he explores his newfound status.“I was hanging at Lost with my buddy [Jim Dugan, seated at the booth where the interview was conducted] who’s also recently divorced, and we were talking to a couple of women who had caught our eyes, really nice ladies open to experiencing another person in a way that my ex-wife Cheryl had lost interest in probably three years ago. They asked us what we did and I replied that we were like Cyndi Lauper, two guys out on the town who just wanted to have fun.“They didn’t know who Cyndi Lauper was, but what was most upsetting was that the profound insight reflected in the statement was lost on them.“These are insights that I’ve worked really hard to achieve, and clearly these are the types of understandings that develop only when you’re emerging from a time as difficult as the one I’ve been having since Cheryl and I decided to split.“In the end, it’s interactions like this that leave me feeling more than a little nostalgic for married life.”“Yeah,” added Dugan, placing a supportive hand on Gluecott’s shoulder, “it can get a little lonely.”# # #
Optimus Prime Lambastes New Autobot Recruits
published November 8, 2011PAWTUCKET, RI – In a statement released on the eve of election night, the first official day of the Christmas season, Autobot leader Optimus Prime voiced strong displeasure with the direction of the new Autobot models Hasbro has introduced.“These are men and women I am going to war with, and the newer models lack the fortitude and awesometude my soldiers need to follow me into battle. I understand the guys from marketing are trying to compete in an increasingly competitive toy sector, but with what they’ve given me, I’d be surprised if we even get a sniff of energon in the coming year.“I mean, a Segway? And he’s not even the worst of it. An iPad? And a book? The other Autobots blew their gaskets when they saw these new recruits. We are so fucked.”Hasbro’s Gene Foster, head of Sector Integration and Character Development, responded in measured and improbably spontaneous fashion to the criticism leveled at him and his team.“I hear Commander Prime’s concerns, and whose inner child wouldn’t want to listen to a giant anthropomorphized truck endowed with the voice of our Creator,” said Foster. “But these are toys plucked directly from the Amazon Wish Lists of our third biggest market segment, behind the 25-38 male demographic and the traditional children’s toy demographic.“If I can have permission to be candid, Commander Prime may have been huffing too many diesel fumes. He needs to realize that this is a new generation, with new Amazon Wish Lists, and that the company has a responsibility to children and to the shareholders to provide the type of characters and future movie product placement opportunities this new generation is asking for.”Commander Prime was no less candid when asked to elaborate on the challenges the new recruits present.“The challenges become obvious when I tell the Autobots to ‘Roll Out,’ and I have to tell Private Segway to hide and hope no one finds him.“As far as his transform mode goes, even humans aren’t fooled. No one has ever bought a Segway, ever, at least not intentionally. So of course he’s a robot in disguise. A robot incapable of defending himself from bullying and abuse by Go-bots, even, and whom I strongly recommend for re-commission as a stripper pole, as much as I hate to give him that pleasure.“The iPad is a pompous jackwad who can’t stop talking about the incredible ecosystem she belongs to, and how privileged we should feel to have a recruit so ingeniously well-designed and only moderately more expensive than necessary among our ranks. Which would be tolerable, if it weren’t for the fact that she and Private Book are engaged in a constant argument about each other’s right to exist and the role of physical books in an increasingly digital universe.“The only thing more constant than their arguing is the timeless struggle between an oversimplified vision of right and wrong as represented by my troops and the evil Decepticons,” said Prime.“Hasbro has no plans to recall these new models,” said Foster. “We’ve seen the power of technologies like the book and the iPad in the events that have unfolded in the Middle East this year, which I can’t help but see as related to the brilliantly paced and acted battle scenes in Egypt in the first live action Transformers movie, available now with both sequels as two disc Blu-ray/DVD combos.”“Times change, and I suggest Commander Prime begin adjusting to his new reality. A reality in which product placement trumps troop morale.”Advised of Foster’s remarks, Prime said “Now you see why Megan Fox left. I'm Deuces.” At which point he rolled out toward Interstate 95 South.# # #
Film Critic More Critical of Nearly Everything Else
published June 22, 2011RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Jeremy Ryder is one of the most popular – and trusted – film critics in the country. His syndicated columns and tv show help America know what they like. And his reviews can make or break a film. Ryder sat down with Entertainment Bi-Daily to talk about his craft at his estate in Rancho Cucamonga in preparation for filming of the 5,000th episode of his tv show.Ryder’s 7,000 square foot home is straight from one of the movies he writes about so elegantly. Ryder brought us poolside to talk about his uncanny knack for measuring the zeitgeist, a skill which led the American Association of Film Journalists to call him “The best living example of excellence in film criticism” and “a true bellwether for America’s experience with film.”EBD: Thanks for having us in your home, it’s beautiful. Clearly film and the film industry has treated you well.JR: Well, I love film, and I particularly love movies. Movies have added so much to my life, I feel like it is my duty, as a movie lover, to share what I’ve learned from watching for four decades, so that others can share my unconditional love for movies as well.EBD: What is it like to be one of the most respected journalists working in any field today?JR: First, let me say that I don’t really see myself as a journalist. I see myself as a tool for helping people unlock their reactions to a film. What I do is show people themselves, as they look to themselves through the gauze filter of Hollywood’s cameras.Someone like Samantha Shaw of the Fresno Bee, I think of her as one of the best journalists in the country. Her most recent series on the impact of agribusiness on sustainable food production, and the detrimental and de-stablizing role of agribusiness in the developing world, that’s brilliant. In three generations we have caused more ecological harm than probably the entire previous human history.Her work has changed my life. It helped me stand strong in my convictions. For the past twelve years, I have committed to eating sustainably and organically produced food that is, more importantly, locally sourced. That’s meat, produce, everything. As a country we consume a disproportionate amount of global resources. We also have a disproportionate impact on the environment. So I think as a country we have a moral obligation to repay this debt we’ve unloaded on the developing world, starting with the way we live our lives every day.That’s the power of journalism.I may have 315,000 Twitter followers to her 400, but she is still one of the people I look up to in journalism.EBD: But clearly people look up to you as well. JR: Yes, they do. And I look up to them, too, by giving them everything they need to know, to know how to feel about a film. The respect is mutual.EBD: Your influence is unmatched, no?JR: (laughing) Yes, what you see around you speaks to that.EBD: So do you disagree? James Cameron credits you with single-handedly helping people appreciate his films.JR: Oh, I love his work! A movie like "Titanic," I think I said it best when I said, “See it now! It’s a timeless love story that connects us to our romantic past. See it now!”EBD: So true.JR: But endowing corporations with all the rights of individuals has also been influential. Our political system is no longer as responsive to the needs of its citizens, it has lost its concern with assuring the provision and access to things we once described as the Social Good. That’s an example of influence that I don’t think any of us would point to as positive.EBD: OK. What are some of your favorite recent films?JR: I loved "Crazy, Stupid, Love." When I said “'Crazy, Stupid, Love' is crazy stoopid good!” I meant it. Ryan Gosling is exactly who we want to believe has problems developing deep, lasting relationships. The chemistry between him and Emma Stone – it’s magical. Like a unicorn. It’s almost like they met at least two weeks before filming started! Stone plays her role of a woman in a film flawlessly.And not to return to Cameron, but a film like "Avatar" is so well loved for a reason. It’s touching, timely and poignant. That film does a perfect job of doing what film does so incredibly, which is let us look at it.I’ve seen more than 200,000 films and I love every one of them. It’s impossible to have a favorite, in the same way a parent loves every one of their children equally.EBD: Where do you see film going? Where would you like to see it go?JR: I’d like to see film continue to connect us to our humanity. If I learned anything from my years as a lover first and critic second of film, is that we need to keep watching everything. The 282 films that are coming out this summer, I predict will be the best summer films of the year. Two enthusiastic thumbs and eight ecstatic fingers up!# # #
City Divided by Divisive Personality
CHICAGO – A city that believed it had overcome its historical struggles is divided once again along the North-South lines that once defined its haves and have nots. Some 45 years after the Democratic National Convention that proved a watershed for the civil rights movement of the 60s, the struggle this time is between the oversensitivity-rich North Side of Chicago and their filter-poor neighbors to the South.
The animosity was sparked by former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Guillen, now a broadcaster for the team, brought pride to residents of Chicago’s South Side when his 2005 team won the first World Series Championship since Joe Jackson changed the word “Shoeless” into an epithet most people only wanted associated with their wives. Guillen’s comments were made during the bottom half of the fifth inning at a game at Seven Name Changes Deep Financial Institution Field, which also happened to be Disco Record Bobble Head Doll Day.
Asked about what he would do with his bobble head when the game was over, Guillen responded “Throw that shit away. Who wants a bobble head of a disco record? I mean, yeah it’s a bobble head, and this may make me unpopular, but the truth is those things all look the same anyway. One more bobble head in my basement, what is that going to prove?”
“I mean, I have played the third-most games at shortstop of any player named Ozzie in major league history. I don’t need more trophies.”
Guillen’s on-air comments sparked a torrent of tweets, re-tweets, wall posts, shares, calls for a dislike button, unfriendings, and requests to connect through LinkedIn. Within 30 minutes, video of the broadcast had been viewed 6,775,235,700 times on YouTube, making it the third-most watched YouTube video ever.
Team officials were quick to attempt to distance themselves from the controversy. “Ozzie knows this, because we have talked about it many times in the past,” said General Manager Ken “Rooster” Harrelson. “There are three things you cannot talk about in professional sports – politics, religion and homosexuality. Our Communications staff is not clear on this, but what they have told me to state is that this touches on all three, and as such is clearly outside of the lines of what you can say about something that happens either inside or outside of the lines.”
But despite threats against his life and against his collection of My Little Pony figurines, Guillen remained unremorseful, adding fuel to the flames when he said in another public statement, “El Gallito, I can say whatever the fuck I want, it’s my First Amendment right to free speech. So suck it, Gallito.”
In statement Harrelson made the next day, and issued a terse but firm rebuke, when he said “Technically, he’s right, he’s within his rights to say that.”
Residents of Chicago’s North Side were quick to call for an official reprimand, or at least tickets to the next White Sox-Cubs series at Wrigley. Their fervor, which gathered momentum through flyers posted on bulletin boards at Whole Foods, REI and other centers of public activity, led to a march on City Hall, where they were met by White Sox fans. Discussions of whether or not the Sox staff ERA+ was a sign of pitching superiority devolved into insults against Harold Baines and the inevitable violent conflict erupted.
City politicians were quick to mobilize in an effort to ease tensions. Former President Obama led a rally a Soldier Field, where he addressed a crowd anxious to end the three days of passive aggression between co-workers.
“I know it is a surprise to many of you that I would take the time to stand here, on the playing field of a sport that only has one team here in Chicago, and address the comments Mr. Guillen made as if they could be taken seriously,” said Mr. Obama. “But as the first post-racial President, and also the President whose term was described as ‘The Most Disappointing Ever,’ I want to tell you that we, as proud Chicagoans, have no place in our town for any form of bigotry or hatred – either the comments Mr. Guillen made, or the violence and tension that was caused by fans of both teams.”
As Jesse Jackson cried behind him on the stage, Mr. Obama talked about his experience growing up and the impact the hatred he and his family experienced had on his formative years.
“It was a source of great hurt, but also provided me with the motivation to eventually run for the White House.”
“We all know how that turned out, but still, let’s try and use this to make a commitment to changing the way we behave with each other. I don’t know about you, but I am looking at the man in the mirror, not the fan in the bleacher!”
Other celebrities in attendance were Kanye West and his recent wife Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Peggy Tanous of Real Wives of Orange County. Tanous received a riotous reception as she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.
“I know firsthand what this type of prejudice can do to a person,” she said, trying to coax her tear ducts into action. “My fellow cast members and I are mistaken for each other continually. We cannot even approach a Real Doll factory for fear of being accidentally packed into a box and shipped somewhere with a cooler climate than Southern California.”
“As I am up here, getting the type of attention I so desperately crave, I beg you do not accessorize with hate!”
The crowd burst into applause, as a group of bobble heads on the stage also nodded their approval continuously.
Another Rally Cap for Reconciliation is scheduled to be held this Wednesday, on Michael Jordan Plaza, which overlooks Scottie Pippen Plaza on the new site of United Arena, re-christened Re-United and it Feels So Good Arena for the event.
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