Optimus Prime Lambastes New Autobot Recruits

published November 8, 2011PAWTUCKET, RI – In a statement released on the eve of election night, the first official day of the Christmas season, Autobot leader Optimus Prime voiced strong displeasure with the direction of the new Autobot models Hasbro has introduced.“These are men and women I am going to war with, and the newer models lack the fortitude and awesometude my soldiers need to follow me into battle. I understand the guys from marketing are trying to compete in an increasingly competitive toy sector, but with what they’ve given me, I’d be surprised if we even get a sniff of energon in the coming year.“I mean, a Segway? And he’s not even the worst of it. An iPad? And a book? The other Autobots blew their gaskets when they saw these new recruits. We are so fucked.”Hasbro’s Gene Foster, head of Sector Integration and Character Development, responded in measured and improbably spontaneous fashion to the criticism leveled at him and his team.“I hear Commander Prime’s concerns, and whose inner child wouldn’t want to listen to a giant anthropomorphized truck endowed with the voice of our Creator,” said Foster. “But these are toys plucked directly from the Amazon Wish Lists of our third biggest market segment, behind the 25-38 male demographic and the traditional children’s toy demographic.“If I can have permission to be candid, Commander Prime may have been huffing too many diesel fumes. He needs to realize that this is a new generation, with new Amazon Wish Lists, and that the company has a responsibility to children and to the shareholders to provide the type of characters and future movie product placement opportunities this new generation is asking for.”Commander Prime was no less candid when asked to elaborate on the challenges the new recruits present.“The challenges become obvious when I tell the Autobots to ‘Roll Out,’ and I have to tell Private Segway to hide and hope no one finds him.“As far as his transform mode goes, even humans aren’t fooled. No one has ever bought a Segway, ever, at least not intentionally. So of course he’s a robot in disguise. A robot incapable of defending himself from bullying and abuse by Go-bots, even, and whom I strongly recommend for re-commission as a stripper pole, as much as I hate to give him that pleasure.“The iPad is a pompous jackwad who can’t stop talking about the incredible ecosystem she belongs to, and how privileged we should feel to have a recruit so ingeniously well-designed and only moderately more expensive than necessary among our ranks. Which would be tolerable, if it weren’t for the fact that she and Private Book are engaged in a constant argument about each other’s right to exist and the role of physical books in an increasingly digital universe.“The only thing more constant than their arguing is the timeless struggle between an oversimplified vision of right and wrong as represented by my troops and the evil Decepticons,” said Prime.“Hasbro has no plans to recall these new models,” said Foster. “We’ve seen the power of technologies like the book and the iPad in the events that have unfolded in the Middle East this year, which I can’t help but see as related to the brilliantly paced and acted battle scenes in Egypt in the first live action Transformers movie, available now with both sequels as two disc Blu-ray/DVD combos.”“Times change, and I suggest Commander Prime begin adjusting to his new reality. A reality in which product placement trumps troop morale.”Advised of Foster’s remarks, Prime said “Now you see why Megan Fox left. I'm Deuces.” At which point he rolled out toward Interstate 95 South.# # #