Happy But Greasy Double Kidney Donation Survivor Gets Final Wish - "I'm SO Trill!"
(Memphis, TN - December 7, 2022) - He’s dead, and he left a note, on a $1 bill:
“These motherfuckers are gonna miss this big, bold and beautiful Black man. The nation never deserved me. Please protect my estate.”
Huckabee Finn, the tech worker who discovered the note, knew him from the music community, where they were both fans of the musical group Taxidermied Frontbutt. They call themselves the Frontbutt Hoes, and their listeners number in the trillions, based on Spotify receipts found in the tech worker’s mother’s basement in the Turks and Caicos.
“We shared so much, on account of him being so near and dear to me, in this highly connected world we live in. I will miss having access to his humor.com, his laugh.org, and the left testicle photos I used to woo the Wu-mommies with on that other site he liked,” said Finn.
“Whatever his username was, I only know the password, services should be held, or at least not withheld internally, he was that generous with everyone.”
You can get your share of the estate by taking a dollar out of your pocket and buying a pixel on his website, A-Trillion-Google-Employee’s-Trillion-Pixel-Fund.us
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Next story: That thing you do? Yeah, it's not so unique.
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Ruling: Platonic Harems Pose No Threat to Relationships
published June 5, 2012DETROIT – In a landmark ruling expected to set the tone for relationships for an entire generation of Americans, today the US Supremes Court, the highest court of public opinion in the land, overturned a lower court decision holding an Austin man responsible for the dissolution of his relationship because he maintained what prosecutors called a “Platonic Harem.” Citing the potential chilling effect on the relationship prospects for a “significant minority of heterosexual men,” the court ruled 2-1 that “Platonic Harems shall not be considered a reasonable threat to any romantic relationship on solid footing,” and that Platonic Harems represent a “viable if not preferable lifestyle choice that can co-exist with the prevailing Brah Culture.”The defendant in the case, Ethan Braun, 28, had been in a relationship with Suzanna Miller, 27, for three years. In their arguments, prosecutors pointed to the psychological suffering Miller experienced as a result of “the constant presence of mostly attractive and often single women in every arena of Braun’s social life” as the reason for the demise of their relationship. “It became a form of tyranny. Our next relationship partner often comes from within a group of people already familiar to us. And while our relationship didn’t have many problems, the 99 attractive female friend alternatives to me that surrounded Ethan at all times was every single one of them.”In writing the majority decision for the court, Justice Gene Simmons upheld the defense’s argument that dynamics of male-female relationships are changing rapidly, and that the court needed to move with them.“When the members of this court were Mr. Braun’s age, the only options to enjoy a football game with, or play basketball in the park were our male peers. Similarly, baby showers and board game nights were the exclusive domains of women. Without question, there has been considerable loosening of the idea of behavioral norms based on our sex, and it is entirely possible for men and women to maintain full social lives primarily involving male-female relationships without ambiguity. The companionship and camaraderie that underlies our ideal of intimacy or even platonic love can be found with either sex, without question.“And in fact, the idea that men and women cannot be friends – with no gray area – is an anachronism that undermines any notion of equality between the sexes that we might wish to promote.”In the dissenting opinion, Justice Tina Turner posed the question to the court, “What’s love got to do with it? Any man who finds so much comfort in the company of women, almost to the exclusion of any male alternatives, is bound to find some deeper, more intimate form of comfort with at least one of them at some point. Mr. Braun was forcing Ms. Miller to play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, but instead of a revolver with one bullet in the chamber, she was facing an automatic assault rifle with a fully loaded clip. Mr. Braun’s actions are in fact the direct cause of the lack of trust that led to their breakup.”Chief Justice Diana Ross was more succinct in her defense of Braun’s right to female friends. “Mr. Braun, even based exclusively on the testimony offered to this court, is a thoughtful, funny and engaging young man. Anyone, male or female, would stand to benefit from his friendship. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s kinda cute. Were I one of his friends, I would be glad to keep his company as long as he behaved himself when I wanted him to.”Justice Turner, referencing Justice Ross’ position on the issue, would go on to add “See, that right there is what I am talking about.”The ruling has already become a flash point for a society still grappling with changes to romantic and friendship norms that had held for centuries. Tanya Edmunds, a co-ed at the University of Texas, Austin, allowed us to interview her while she shopped at one of the city’s many thrift stores with her boyfriend, Thomas Alva.“I like the fact that Thomas has a lot of female friends, and in fact that was one of the things that attracted me to him. I feel like it helps him understand me better.”“But I will say, between you and me, that if I ever find out he crossed a line with one of them, I swear to God there will be hell to pay.”# # #
God Turns to Sabermetrics As Last Resort
published January 20, 2012BALTIMORE, MD. — God and Bill James, the undisputed God of Sabermetrics, have begun a new collaboration in an effort to help humanity recapture its gift for being decent to each other. The collaboration draws upon God’s ability to see and know everything, and James’ uncanny ability to assign a quantitative value to behavior that is difficult to quantify in other terms. James is a pioneer of Sabermetrics, which Wikipedia defines as “a specialized analysis of baseball through objective, empirical evidence, specifically baseball statistics that measure in-game activity.”James sat down with this reporter to discuss his new project with God, and what the two hope to accomplish through their work together. God, in keeping with his millennia-old style of communicating with humanity, was present in the room as a general sense of the futility of human endeavor and a strong appreciation for the sublimity of creation.“If I can take the liberty of speaking for both of us on this, I think the feeling that humanity has lost its way is a feeling many of us share,” said James when asked how the collaboration began. “But few of us can pin down exactly why we feel that way, other than some vague concepts like ‘bad economy’ or ‘cheating boyfriend.’ So we set out to identify some mathematical formulas capable of expressing some fairly un-nuanced concepts.“We wanted something that would identify individual performance. Not surprisingly, in the beginning, God was in favor of some team level metrics. But we agreed that the key to early acceptance of these new statistical measures was a sense of personal accountability. Self-centeredness being what it is, and God has some pretty amazing data on this, we decided to start with the individual.”“The new metrics build on some happiness and wellness indicators that take into account factors like income, health and education. Our new metrics also measure the amount of happiness and joy you create in your life, and in particular your ability to create these feelings and experiences for others: Instead of ‘trying to make a dollar,’ we want to encourage people to think about how much better it would be to introduce yourself to your significant other by by making an invitation to a date with an origami bird made from a dollar.”The categories:Gathering ScoreSaid James, “This measures your power of what many would call transmutation by looking at whether or not you are making chicken salad out of chicken feathers or if you are taking your ability to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and turning those dollars into a BMW and a lawsuit against your co-conspirators for defamation.”Relative Awesomeness“This metric is a measure of efficiency, specifically how close you get to the value of e=mc2 when you measure how much joy and happiness you create out of the resources you have. This metric takes into account the happiness and wellness of those most intimately connected to you, based on an algorithm God created that uses irrational numbers.”ASSHOLE Value, or Algorithmic Substitution over Standard Holistic Object Limit Evaluation“This is our most complex metric, and involves some number crunching that at this point can only be done in the mind of God, as human processing power isn’t quite there yet. The basic gist: If someone were to plug you into a simulation that maps extremely closely to reality, and the algorithm used to simulate your behavior is identical to your actual behavior, then you are less spontaneous that an algorithm. The less spontaneous, the higher the ASSHOLE value.”Z-Zone Rating“This surprisingly simple metric measures how infectious your joy and enthusiasm for life are as a measure of how long a similarly infectious zombie would take to infect a model city of 3 million people. It’s based on the work Kevan Davis and Matt Cordes did around Zombie Infection Simulation [editor’s note: you can find this online at http://zombies.insertdisc.com/mattcordes/ ].Amazingly, the new rankings, accessible soon to all humanity, do not skew toward celebrities or others one would think would dominate these types of statistical measures.“New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady does rank exceptionally highly, in the top three actually, but other than him, the list is comprised of ordinary people doing extraordinary things with the gifts they have. There’s also a child in La Paz, Bolivia showing great promise at a very young age.“To me, compiling these rankings, and having a chance to collaborate with someone whose work I respect so much, was a humbling reminder of how easy it can be to be someone other people admire, respect and ultimately love. I hope the release of these rankings in December of this year can be a resource to those of us who see the value in valuing things that go unappreciated by society at large for reasons that only my collaborator understands.”# # #
Study: 100 Percent of Fantasy Relationships End in Fantasy Divorce
published March 20, 2012LONDON, SAN FRANCISCO — In a report hailed as further proof of the decline of the institution of marriage and an unmooring from the ties that bond members of societies across the globe, researchers from the University of Cambridge in England released results from a six-year research study that indicate literally all fantasy marriages end within one year, usually in fantasy divorce.Fantasy relationships, or relationships that exist entirely within the imaginations of study participants, outnumbered actual relationships by a factor of ten thousand to one. While some of these crossed over into the material realm, researchers found 99.99 percent remain nothing but comforting fictions for those involved in them, generating a few weeks of pleasurable diversion before ceding way to thoughts deemed to have more practical relevance, such as grocery shopping lists or the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” by the rock group Journey.“We were shocked to find that, consistent with the fears of the Right, the institution of marriage, and in particular fantasy marriage, is under attack,” said Dr. Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge. “While most fantasy relationships lasted no more than six days for male participants or three weeks for female participants, those that did go on to develop into lasting, committed relationships in the minds and hearts of those we studied invariably ended poorly, in divorce or, almost as frequently, the untimely and tragic demise of the partner in a scene fraught with political intrigue and emotional turmoil.”Teenage girls from South Korea were found to have the longest relationships, with many lasting as long as twelve years. Players from the Italian Serie A football league were found to have the shortest, with most lasting just eight minutes, not including injury time. The majority began and ran their course in places like malls, churches, house parties and grocery checkout lines. Participants in the study found the ability to get in and out of the relationship quickly to be the biggest appeal, along with a nearly complete lack of consequences.London resident Julian Barnaby shared with this reporter details of his most recent relationship, which began at the South Kensington tube station at 8:15 am and ended upon his arrival to work near the London Bridge tube station 45 minutes later.“The attraction between Brittaney and I was apparent from the very beginning, there was an undeniable chemistry that took me by shock and really woke me up a bit, along with that morning’s coffee,” said Barnaby. “It all started when she almost looked in my direction boarding the train, and progressed rather quickly from there. She was reading The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann, one of my favorite books, and that was fairly typical of how thoughtful and insightful she would turn out to be, during our time together.“I had been looking for someone with those qualities for some time, along with the strong physical attraction that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. In that way I was very happy to have found a fellow traveler, a co-pilot if you will, for those journeys we’re engaged in every day. Real companionship often works that way, it makes what seems like a really long tube ride into something that exists outside of time.“She was very smartly dressed, and her ambition was something I respected and admired, although that was what would ultimately come between us, when she transferred in the direction of the Bank stop from Monument, while I went on to London Bridge.“We had an inkling it wouldn’t work out, when I noticed, in a private moment, the Arsenal tattoo near her ankle, and with me being for Chelsea, but we soldiered on for a few minutes, gamely.“Still, it was very shocking to learn her true feelings, the whole thing is something I’ve tried to put behind me, quite unsavory, really.”Elizabeth Carlson recently began a relationship with Michael Bradley, a regular in the café she frequents in San Francisco’s Lower Pacific Heights neighborhood.“The first thing I noticed about him was how he had our children’s eyes,” said Carlson. “Very gentle, with a hint of mischief, which made the way I translated his real-world glances into caresses in our fantasy relationship that much more plausible.“The other thing I noticed was his willingness to put me first, like the time ten minutes ago when he let me order a scone before him as he sorted through his change to pay for his Americano. I hope he never loses that quality.“It’s just a shame that it all ends so poorly, I had considered trying to initiate an actual relationship, but the whole thing with my friend Angela….”“I’m really going to miss him.”# # #
Trending: Reason, Logic No Longer a Glass Ceiling for Many
published March 15, 2012SEATTLE — Fremont neighborhood resident Kristina Meldau has spent the last year sharing with those who will listen a dramatic evolution in her world view, one that has allowed her to break through what she calls a “glass ceiling in [her] relationship to the world.” The change came after she abandoned what she calls a “niggling insistence on observing basic reason and logic” in her interactions with others.“This month has been a real eye-opener,” said Meldau from a coffee shop in the neighborhood Seattleites know as the Center of the Universe. “Reason and logic were the dual constraints that kept me bound, Prometheus-like, to a way of living and being in the world that is totally at odds with nature. Instead of being disemboweled continuously by birds of prey, I decided to liberate myself from their tyranny, and in fact this experience is exactly what the Greeks were alluding to when they wrote the sequel to that myth, Prometheus Unbound, under the pseudonym Percy Bysshe Shelley in 1820.”“It’s this type of innovative, trailblazing thinking that makes our country great. If two Chinese immigrants like George and Weezie Washington can found this country on income from a dry cleaners, and we can become the greatest civilization in the universe, then these are the things that help strengthen my conviction that I am on the right path,” said Meldau, adding “They wouldn’t call it the right path if it weren’t making a bee-line directly toward righteousness.”While the Internet is her preferred channel of communication, Meldau shared the gory details of her journey toward what she calls “the new enlightenment” during a grueling six-hour face to face conversation consisting primarily of responses to her own hypothetical questions. During the interview she touched on nearly every subject about which an individual can have an opinion, including some subjects that were previously thought to be beyond further speculation.“The logic is so simple, which is why 936 percent of the American population agree with me when I take the time to explain it.“If I suspect something, then I have the right to feel it, and if I am feeling it then I must have thought it. When we have the courage of our convictions, then alchemy has taught us that what we feel and think combine with our life essence and become belief, and belief is clearly beyond any sort of investigation of merit based on reason or logic.“It took a very long time and several counseling sessions for me to develop the courage needed to stand up for one’s beliefs in the face of ideas as insidious as logic and reason. Now that I have that courage, it’s my responsibility to share with others the freedom represented by this way of looking at the world.”“If there’s anything that I’ve learned from the current economic climate it’s that innovation is the key to unlocking our hidden future. And innovation is defined as having the right to think and do exactly what I want, and to feel justified in doing that because that is my God-given right as someone who knows what the definition of innovation is.“We need new solutions to the problems we face as a country. The old solutions were designed for a time when logic and reason were being used to keep people in fear of the future by undermining their faith in themselves and their fellow citizens. But I live in a world that I can feel and see and touch, and nothing is more real than that. I have become a living, breathing example of how to use alchemy to turn what I don’t know into the gold of conviction.“How awesome is that? Wait for it…“So awesome that only .001 percent of the world population can ever get there, including the 50 percent of the American populace that has already gotten there.“The only reason more people haven’t jumped on board with this is that the mainstream media conspires to keep us hidebound to traditions like reason and logic as a form of control.“I, for one, refuse to allow myself to be controlled in this way.”Near the conclusion of the interview, Meldau was joined by Chris Meldau (no relation), her boyfriend of three years. Chris has provided much needed support in Kristina’s march toward her vision of an absolute truth.“I used to be afraid of what I did not know, because it reminded me of the limitations of human understanding,” he said. “But with Kristina’s help I came to the true understanding — that not having enough facts to form an educated opinion shouldn’t be a barrier to belief.“And conversely, if I am unaware of the so-called facts that would force me to change my beliefs, then they don’t exist. Because if a tree falls in the forest, then there is no way of knowing if it strikes the ground and makes a sound if I am not there to observe it. It’s all so reasonable.”The two laughed at Chris’s use of the word “reasonable” to describe their shared belief, a word they have come to view as less and less relevant to the context they are living in.“Maybe that’s not the word we should use,” said Kristina, turning to her boyfriend with a smile, “but old habits die hard. I know I speak for both of us, however, when I say that the future is not a source of anxiety for me anymore. It’s a glorious path to be on.”# # #