Infographic: Big to Smaller

Happy But Greasy Double Kidney Donation Survivor Gets Final Wish - "I'm SO Trill!"

(Memphis, TN - December 7, 2022) - He’s dead, and he left a note, on a $1 bill:

“These motherfuckers are gonna miss this big, bold and beautiful Black man. The nation never deserved me. Please protect my estate.”

Huckabee Finn, the tech worker who discovered the note, knew him from the music community, where they were both fans of the musical group Taxidermied Frontbutt. They call themselves the Frontbutt Hoes, and their listeners number in the trillions, based on Spotify receipts found in the tech worker’s mother’s basement in the Turks and Caicos.

“We shared so much, on account of him being so near and dear to me, in this highly connected world we live in. I will miss having access to his humor.com, his laugh.org, and the left testicle photos I used to woo the Wu-mommies with on that other site he liked,” said Finn.

“Whatever his username was, I only know the password, services should be held, or at least not withheld internally, he was that generous with everyone.”

You can get your share of the estate by taking a dollar out of your pocket and buying a pixel on his website, A-Trillion-Google-Employee’s-Trillion-Pixel-Fund.us

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Next story: That thing you do? Yeah, it's not so unique.

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Ruling: Platonic Harems Pose No Threat to Relationships

published June 5, 2012DETROIT – In a landmark ruling expected to set the tone for relationships for an entire generation of Americans, today the US Supremes Court, the highest court of public opinion in the land, overturned a lower court decision holding an Austin man responsible for the dissolution of his relationship because he maintained what prosecutors called a “Platonic Harem.” Citing the potential chilling effect on the relationship prospects for a “significant minority of heterosexual men,” the court ruled 2-1 that “Platonic Harems shall not be considered a reasonable threat to any romantic relationship on solid footing,” and that Platonic Harems represent a “viable if not preferable lifestyle choice that can co-exist with the prevailing Brah Culture.”The defendant in the case, Ethan Braun, 28, had been in a relationship with Suzanna Miller, 27, for three years. In their arguments, prosecutors pointed to the psychological suffering Miller experienced as a result of “the constant presence of mostly attractive and often single women in every arena of Braun’s social life” as the reason for the demise of their relationship. “It became a form of tyranny. Our next relationship partner often comes from within a group of people already familiar to us. And while our relationship didn’t have many problems, the 99 attractive female friend alternatives to me that surrounded Ethan at all times was every single one of them.”In writing the majority decision for the court, Justice Gene Simmons upheld the defense’s argument that dynamics of male-female relationships are changing rapidly, and that the court needed to move with them.“When the members of this court were Mr. Braun’s age, the only options to enjoy a football game with, or play basketball in the park were our male peers. Similarly, baby showers and board game nights were the exclusive domains of women. Without question, there has been considerable loosening of the idea of behavioral norms based on our sex, and it is entirely possible for men and women to maintain full social lives primarily involving male-female relationships without ambiguity. The companionship and camaraderie that underlies our ideal of intimacy or even platonic love can be found with either sex, without question.“And in fact, the idea that men and women cannot be friends – with no gray area – is an anachronism that undermines any notion of equality between the sexes that we might wish to promote.”In the dissenting opinion, Justice Tina Turner posed the question to the court, “What’s love got to do with it? Any man who finds so much comfort in the company of women, almost to the exclusion of any male alternatives, is bound to find some deeper, more intimate form of comfort with at least one of them at some point. Mr. Braun was forcing Ms. Miller to play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, but instead of a revolver with one bullet in the chamber, she was facing an automatic assault rifle with a fully loaded clip. Mr. Braun’s actions are in fact the direct cause of the lack of trust that led to their breakup.”Chief Justice Diana Ross was more succinct in her defense of Braun’s right to female friends. “Mr. Braun, even based exclusively on the testimony offered to this court, is a thoughtful, funny and engaging young man. Anyone, male or female, would stand to benefit from his friendship. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s kinda cute. Were I one of his friends, I would be glad to keep his company as long as he behaved himself when I wanted him to.”Justice Turner, referencing Justice Ross’ position on the issue, would go on to add “See, that right there is what I am talking about.”The ruling has already become a flash point for a society still grappling with changes to romantic and friendship norms that had held for centuries. Tanya Edmunds, a co-ed at the University of Texas, Austin, allowed us to interview her while she shopped at one of the city’s many thrift stores with her boyfriend, Thomas Alva.“I like the fact that Thomas has a lot of female friends, and in fact that was one of the things that attracted me to him. I feel like it helps him understand me better.”“But I will say, between you and me, that if I ever find out he crossed a line with one of them, I swear to God there will be hell to pay.”# # #

Study: 100 Percent of Fantasy Relationships End in Fantasy Divorce

published March 20, 2012LONDON, SAN FRANCISCO — In a report hailed as further proof of the decline of the institution of marriage and an unmooring from the ties that bond members of societies across the globe, researchers from the University of Cambridge in England released results from a six-year research study that indicate literally all fantasy marriages end within one year, usually in fantasy divorce.Fantasy relationships, or relationships that exist entirely within the imaginations of study participants, outnumbered actual relationships by a factor of ten thousand to one. While some of these crossed over into the material realm, researchers found 99.99 percent remain nothing but comforting fictions for those involved in them, generating a few weeks of pleasurable diversion before ceding way to thoughts deemed to have more practical relevance, such as grocery shopping lists or the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” by the rock group Journey.“We were shocked to find that, consistent with the fears of the Right, the institution of marriage, and in particular fantasy marriage, is under attack,” said Dr. Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge. “While most fantasy relationships lasted no more than six days for male participants or three weeks for female participants, those that did go on to develop into lasting, committed relationships in the minds and hearts of those we studied invariably ended poorly, in divorce or, almost as frequently, the untimely and tragic demise of the partner in a scene fraught with political intrigue and emotional turmoil.”Teenage girls from South Korea were found to have the longest relationships, with many lasting as long as twelve years. Players from the Italian Serie A football league were found to have the shortest, with most lasting just eight minutes, not including injury time. The majority began and ran their course in places like malls, churches, house parties and grocery checkout lines. Participants in the study found the ability to get in and out of the relationship quickly to be the biggest appeal, along with a nearly complete lack of consequences.London resident Julian Barnaby shared with this reporter details of his most recent relationship, which began at the South Kensington tube station at 8:15 am and ended upon his arrival to work near the London Bridge tube station 45 minutes later.“The attraction between Brittaney and I was apparent from the very beginning, there was an undeniable chemistry that took me by shock and really woke me up a bit, along with that morning’s coffee,” said Barnaby. “It all started when she almost looked in my direction boarding the train, and progressed rather quickly from there. She was reading The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann, one of my favorite books, and that was fairly typical of how thoughtful and insightful she would turn out to be, during our time together.“I had been looking for someone with those qualities for some time, along with the strong physical attraction that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. In that way I was very happy to have found a fellow traveler, a co-pilot if you will, for those journeys we’re engaged in every day. Real companionship often works that way, it makes what seems like a really long tube ride into something that exists outside of time.“She was very smartly dressed, and her ambition was something I respected and admired, although that was what would ultimately come between us, when she transferred in the direction of the Bank stop from Monument, while I went on to London Bridge.“We had an inkling it wouldn’t work out, when I noticed, in a private moment, the Arsenal tattoo near her ankle, and with me being for Chelsea, but we soldiered on for a few minutes, gamely.“Still, it was very shocking to learn her true feelings, the whole thing is something I’ve tried to put behind me, quite unsavory, really.”Elizabeth Carlson recently began a relationship with Michael Bradley, a regular in the café she frequents in San Francisco’s Lower Pacific Heights neighborhood.“The first thing I noticed about him was how he had our children’s eyes,” said Carlson. “Very gentle, with a hint of mischief, which made the way I translated his real-world glances into caresses in our fantasy relationship that much more plausible.“The other thing I noticed was his willingness to put me first, like the time ten minutes ago when he let me order a scone before him as he sorted through his change to pay for his Americano. I hope he never loses that quality.“It’s just a shame that it all ends so poorly, I had considered trying to initiate an actual relationship, but the whole thing with my friend Angela….”“I’m really going to miss him.”# # #

Realization Hits Hard: "Girls really do just want to have fun."

published December 6, 2011AMES, IA – Like many in a similar situation, 43 year old Phil Gluecott has found the transition to single life after his divorce more difficult that he imagined. As he struggles to create a daily routine to complement his busy work schedule, he’s also engaged in a process of self-discovery that has led him to question some of the beliefs he held dear about who is he is as an individual and concepts like community and reciprocity.“One insight that came to me pretty quickly is that girls really do just want to have fun,” said Gluecott.“It sounds silly but the women I’ve been meeting are strangely disinterested in the details of my divorce and the 13 years and 8 months I spent in a committed relationship with my ex-wife, Cheryl. For whatever reason, it seems to be a barrier that I can never really cross when it comes to helping prospective soul-mates understand the person I am becoming.”Lost and Found Lounge in Ames’ Campustown area is Gluecott’s preferred destination for these voyages of self-discovery. Gluecott, who agreed to be interviewed there for this story, says the clientele is friendly, attractive, and uniquely unburdened with much of the baggage he sees as the inevitable fallout of failed relationships.“The first few visits I was encouraged by the freedom with which shots could be exchanged, decent prices and the bartender’s light elbow,” he said. “But after a few drinks and some dancing, I often want to take time to reflect on my journey and topics like my disbelief over my ex-wife’s unwillingness to meet me for coffee on Sunday mornings after a night on the town, or her quickness to anger when I’ve called at an hour she feels is inappropriate.”Brittney Kusher is one of the Lost and Found’s patrons who’ve provided much needed support as Gluecott tries to re-enter single life.“It’s always flattering when a man wants to buy you a drink, or two even, and in spite of the age difference on a couple of evenings we’ve been able to develop a nice rapport,” said Kusher. “My graduate program can be very stressful and it’s great to be able to talk to someone who has been there before, who understands the struggle and who’s genuinely interested in making me laugh. Such a nice change from the men I’ve been meeting my age, who think everything has to be so serious.”But the casual nature of his post-marriage relationships has also become a challenge for Gluecott as he explores his newfound status.“I was hanging at Lost with my buddy [Jim Dugan, seated at the booth where the interview was conducted] who’s also recently divorced, and we were talking to a couple of women who had caught our eyes, really nice ladies open to experiencing another person in a way that my ex-wife Cheryl had lost interest in probably three years ago. They asked us what we did and I replied that we were like Cyndi Lauper, two guys out on the town who just wanted to have fun.“They didn’t know who Cyndi Lauper was, but what was most upsetting was that the profound insight reflected in the statement was lost on them.“These are insights that I’ve worked really hard to achieve, and clearly these are the types of understandings that develop only when you’re emerging from a time as difficult as the one I’ve been having since Cheryl and I decided to split.“In the end, it’s interactions like this that leave me feeling more than a little nostalgic for married life.”“Yeah,” added Dugan, placing a supportive hand on Gluecott’s shoulder, “it can get a little lonely.”# # #

Hanks Hosts 2nd Annual Fellatio Challenge

published July 17, 2011LOMPOC, CA – Everyone knows these are hard times in America—recession and unemployment flourish in a politically charged and divisive environment. But just as American as speculative bubbles and white-collar crime is the impulse to help the less fortunate.

For more than three decades, no celebrity has embodied the Everyman more fervently than Tom Hanks. Sometimes referred to (by old people) as the Jimmy Stewart of his generation, Hanks has played a gay afflicted with AIDS (“Philadelphia”), a moron who for some reason lives in the 20th century (“Forrest Gump”), and a diseased professor-type battling the Illuminati (“The Vinci Code”). He was recently voted “Best Actor” by Us magazine and reportedly commands up to $20 million per film.But none of the accolades stopped Hanks from reclining in a club chair last week and having jobless Americans line up to give him fellatio. It was part of a charity event called the “Tom Hanks Fellatio Challenge”, in which Americans whose unemployment benefits have expired can get “put back to work” administering oral sex on celebrity panelists. All proceeds, based on ticket sales, raffle items (a ten-speed bike once owned by Steve McQueen was this year's hot item, going for a cool $36,500), and donations go to a good cause, of course.The idea came about completely by chance. “I was having lunch in Brentwood with a couple of friends,” Hanks recalls, “And I said something off-the-cuff, like, 'You know what? All these unemployed people can line up and suck my dick.' Well, it turned out that [“Survivor” showrunner Mark] Burnett and [“Survivor” host Jeff] Probst were at the next table. And they said, 'You know what? Yeah. Let's make that happen.' So here we are. We knew we wouldn't be able to get this event on television, but with some creative marketing we've raised well over $10,000 to help these poor, destitute people.”Other celebrities joining Hanks on the Dais of Suck (a prop suggested and co-branded by event sponsor James Dyson, of Dyson) were NBA legend Abdul Kareem-Jabbar (Lew Alcindor), alternative music vocalist Jay Kay of the band Jamiroquai, and that guy Harry Whittington, who former Vice President Dick Cheney shot in the face on a hunting trip in Wyoming.“It's great to be here,” said Jabbar (Alcindor), in the midst of being serviced by Sheila Brown, a laid-off FedEx employee from Memphis. “People need to understand, there are no guarantees in life. I made some bad business deals and basically lost every single dime I earned over my playing career. So I'm looking forward to getting a paycheck at the end of the day today.”Informed that he would not be receiving payment for his participation, Jabbar (Alcindor) grabbed the woman's hair, forced her skull downward and said, “NGGGGGH!”“The fuck was that you said?” he added.Jay Kay also agreed that it was high time to start helping others in their time need. For the pop icon known for his floppy hats, sunglasses and fluid dance moves, being vigorously pleasured by Alice Quincy, a winsome former 1st grade teacher victimized by state budget cuts, hardly raised his pulse.“I'm just trying to get astral,” he said, leaning casually against the discount wall of the abandoned Borders bookstore in downtown Lompoc, where the Challenge was held. “I am a qi tiger.”Asked if he was at work on a new Jamiroquai album, Kay replied, “I am a qi tiger. My flow is next-generation prophesy, like the divination of Alpha Centauri.”Hanks seemed pleased by the turnout of this year's event. “We need to turn these people out,” he said. “If there's anything I've learned from starring in my movies, it's that with hard work and moxie you can overcome anything. I mean, we have ten percent unemployment. Fine. That means ninety percent are still working. So what are these people today doing wrong? I dunno. Maybe you can tell me. It's gotta be something. Lack of moxie? Too much fucking teeth? Probably, Denise. I can tell you that after today, some of these good people should be able to put some food on the table for their family. They'll be eating steak tonight—right, Denise?”Someone in the audience asked Hanks if his penis were one of his movies, which one would it be. Hanks paused, his facial muscles clenching into a pre-climax rictus. “Platoon,” he said, to laughter.Just another example that in America, even the deepest recession has its bright moments.

Hooker with a Heart of Gold Sells Heart for Drugs

published July 4, 2011

PHILADELPHIA – Doctors share an incredible story emerging this past month, of a woman, whom they call “Samantha,” who sold her heart of gold, which she carried with her throughout nearly ten years as a prostitute, in exchange for cash for drugs.

Samantha’s old heart was extremely valuable, since it was made of one of earth’s most precious commodities. She decided to sell it after learning from numerous Johns that it was definitely made of gold. Her old heart was removed by a black market surgeon, who replaced it with a series of ziploc bags and rubber bands. The new heart, despite its makeshift nature, functions well enough to keep Samantha alive.

“That maybe wasn’t the best decision,” said the woman. “I kinda wish I had kept it. Or maybe most of it.”

In exchange for her heart, Samantha received $400, and a packet of cocaine and heroin commonly referred to as an 8-ball. Samantha’s professional handler took half of the sale price.

“I know I’ll get it back because he cares about me,” she said at the time of her admittance to hospital. “It’s just a matter of time before I am up and back on my feet.”

The experience has led Samantha to embark on a new stage of her life.

“I realize I made some very bad decisions, but that was definitely the worst one. I have seen people change, and I resolve to do just that.”

As of the time of this report, Samantha had managed to stay off the streets and drug free.

“Surprisingly, not having the heart of gold has allowed me to be a little more honest with myself about how I feel about what I was doing.”

“Obviously, a decision like that is usually made in haste. Which has helped me understand what happens when I make decisions in haste. And I am learning.”

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Tragedy Touches Miami Beach Youth

published April 27, 2010

MIAMI – Two days ago, Tommy Kramer, a resident of Miami Beach, was found dead, the victim of an apparent suicide. Police responded to an emergency 911 call Sunday morning. Kramer’s body was found by his mother. Based on a note the 16-year-old left on his nightstand, his suicide was the product of a life that even at his young age, had become “too frustrating to bear,” which drove him to “take [his] life with his own hands.”

Teen suicide is nothing new, as young men and women historically struggle with new social expectations and as new feelings emerge with young adulthood. But in a twist that is less startling as the members of their ranks grow, Kramer’s death has been deemed a “masturbacide” – a recent, disturbing trend in which young men (and less frequently, women) end their lives by inducing cardiac or respiratory failure through masturbation.“I had no idea that Tommy was capable of this,” said Mrs. Virginia Kramer, Tommy’s mother. “I am still in shock, the loss is so great.”“No mother should ever have to experience this. To lose your only son, and only child, the pain is too much.”Authorities found the body after his mother tried to awaken him Sunday morning for church. “I normally just let him get ready on his own, but he didn’t respond after several knocks. I got worried and…. Horrible, just, this feels so horrible.”In a scene paramedics described as “straight out of a horror movie,” Tommy Kramer was found face down on his damp mattress. Only the note he had left on the nightstand gave any insight into what had happened or his motivation for doing it. Pamela Svenson, first paramedic to arrive at the scene, was still, three hours later, visibly shaken by what she had seen.“I couldn’t tell if he had been dead three hours or three years,” Svenson explained. “His body showed signs of decomposition that we almost never see in corpses that fresh.”“It was totally desiccated, dried up like some vampire had drained him of all his blood.”“We had to cut the fingers off his hand just to…” Miss Svenson said before being overcome with emotion and breaking into tears. “They don’t prepare you for that in EMT training.”Tommy’s father, Frederick Kramer, described his son as “Just a normal kid. He did well in school, he had a lot of friends, seemed to be happy. He always did his homework, never complained an iota about anything. Mostly he just stayed in his room when he wasn’t out with friends, either watching cable, or maybe on the Internet, like so many kids today. He was just… normal.”His mom and I are taking it pretty hard, obviously,” said Mr. Kramer. “That was our only child, it took us a long time to have him, but he was the happiest part of our lives.”Students at Tommy Kramer’s school were also devastated by the tragic event. School teachers have been staying late with medical staff to help students with their grief.Brittany Ashton was described by most of the school as Tommy Kramer’s best friend.“We were so close, he was like a brother to me,” said Ashton. “He was like a brother to so many, kind and gentle, we never felt he would hurt anyone, let alone himself.”“The way he would look away and smile when he made you laugh, I will always remember that.”“I mean, we talked about everything,” said Ashton. “We talked about my job as a model and salesperson at Vanessa’s Secret in the mall. He knew all my friends there, they all liked him as well. We had sleepovers even, with a few of the girls, just having him there always made us feel safe.”Kramer had no previous history of mental or emotional problems. His classmate and teammate on the football team, Tyler Dreiden, was at a loss to explain the tragedy.“It’s horrible, he was a great friend, I mean, he had problems like we all do, but …” After a pause, Dreiden added, “Have you spoken with Brittany? She was the one who knew him best. I mean, we played sports together, but he and Brittany, they seemed to be very close.”The Kramer family doctor, Dr. Erlich, had little to offer in terms of insight into the matter.Dr. Erlich echoed the words of Dreiden, saying, “This is a very hard loss for his family and out of respect I won’t comment too directly. But have you talked to his friend Brittany? Because she may have some answers. I usually see her up at the mall, whenever I happen to be up there, you know… in case you need to know where to find her.”Unfortunately, Kramer’s brief note left few clues. “I have been feeling a lot of internal pressure,” said the note. “The more I see my friends around me, they seem so happy. It’s like they just turned off the faucet of emotion that, for me, has been a source of great unhappiness.”“Seriously,” Dr. Erlich added, “You should see Brittany. As his best friend, she may have some deep insight into his motivations.”“He was so generous, as a person and as a friend,” Ashton said in a fourth interview, “there was nothing we wouldn’t share.”Kramer is the third boy from South Beach High to take his own life in this way this year.“It’s a very disturbing trend to us young people,” Ashton said in another interview the day after the tragedy at her workplace. “I just have no idea why he would choose to end his life in such a horrible way.”# # #