Ruling: Platonic Harems Pose No Threat to Relationships

published June 5, 2012DETROIT – In a landmark ruling expected to set the tone for relationships for an entire generation of Americans, today the US Supremes Court, the highest court of public opinion in the land, overturned a lower court decision holding an Austin man responsible for the dissolution of his relationship because he maintained what prosecutors called a “Platonic Harem.” Citing the potential chilling effect on the relationship prospects for a “significant minority of heterosexual men,” the court ruled 2-1 that “Platonic Harems shall not be considered a reasonable threat to any romantic relationship on solid footing,” and that Platonic Harems represent a “viable if not preferable lifestyle choice that can co-exist with the prevailing Brah Culture.”The defendant in the case, Ethan Braun, 28, had been in a relationship with Suzanna Miller, 27, for three years. In their arguments, prosecutors pointed to the psychological suffering Miller experienced as a result of “the constant presence of mostly attractive and often single women in every arena of Braun’s social life” as the reason for the demise of their relationship. “It became a form of tyranny. Our next relationship partner often comes from within a group of people already familiar to us. And while our relationship didn’t have many problems, the 99 attractive female friend alternatives to me that surrounded Ethan at all times was every single one of them.”In writing the majority decision for the court, Justice Gene Simmons upheld the defense’s argument that dynamics of male-female relationships are changing rapidly, and that the court needed to move with them.“When the members of this court were Mr. Braun’s age, the only options to enjoy a football game with, or play basketball in the park were our male peers. Similarly, baby showers and board game nights were the exclusive domains of women. Without question, there has been considerable loosening of the idea of behavioral norms based on our sex, and it is entirely possible for men and women to maintain full social lives primarily involving male-female relationships without ambiguity. The companionship and camaraderie that underlies our ideal of intimacy or even platonic love can be found with either sex, without question.“And in fact, the idea that men and women cannot be friends – with no gray area – is an anachronism that undermines any notion of equality between the sexes that we might wish to promote.”In the dissenting opinion, Justice Tina Turner posed the question to the court, “What’s love got to do with it? Any man who finds so much comfort in the company of women, almost to the exclusion of any male alternatives, is bound to find some deeper, more intimate form of comfort with at least one of them at some point. Mr. Braun was forcing Ms. Miller to play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, but instead of a revolver with one bullet in the chamber, she was facing an automatic assault rifle with a fully loaded clip. Mr. Braun’s actions are in fact the direct cause of the lack of trust that led to their breakup.”Chief Justice Diana Ross was more succinct in her defense of Braun’s right to female friends. “Mr. Braun, even based exclusively on the testimony offered to this court, is a thoughtful, funny and engaging young man. Anyone, male or female, would stand to benefit from his friendship. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s kinda cute. Were I one of his friends, I would be glad to keep his company as long as he behaved himself when I wanted him to.”Justice Turner, referencing Justice Ross’ position on the issue, would go on to add “See, that right there is what I am talking about.”The ruling has already become a flash point for a society still grappling with changes to romantic and friendship norms that had held for centuries. Tanya Edmunds, a co-ed at the University of Texas, Austin, allowed us to interview her while she shopped at one of the city’s many thrift stores with her boyfriend, Thomas Alva.“I like the fact that Thomas has a lot of female friends, and in fact that was one of the things that attracted me to him. I feel like it helps him understand me better.”“But I will say, between you and me, that if I ever find out he crossed a line with one of them, I swear to God there will be hell to pay.”# # #