Ruling: Platonic Harems Pose No Threat to Relationships

published June 5, 2012DETROIT – In a landmark ruling expected to set the tone for relationships for an entire generation of Americans, today the US Supremes Court, the highest court of public opinion in the land, overturned a lower court decision holding an Austin man responsible for the dissolution of his relationship because he maintained what prosecutors called a “Platonic Harem.” Citing the potential chilling effect on the relationship prospects for a “significant minority of heterosexual men,” the court ruled 2-1 that “Platonic Harems shall not be considered a reasonable threat to any romantic relationship on solid footing,” and that Platonic Harems represent a “viable if not preferable lifestyle choice that can co-exist with the prevailing Brah Culture.”The defendant in the case, Ethan Braun, 28, had been in a relationship with Suzanna Miller, 27, for three years. In their arguments, prosecutors pointed to the psychological suffering Miller experienced as a result of “the constant presence of mostly attractive and often single women in every arena of Braun’s social life” as the reason for the demise of their relationship. “It became a form of tyranny. Our next relationship partner often comes from within a group of people already familiar to us. And while our relationship didn’t have many problems, the 99 attractive female friend alternatives to me that surrounded Ethan at all times was every single one of them.”In writing the majority decision for the court, Justice Gene Simmons upheld the defense’s argument that dynamics of male-female relationships are changing rapidly, and that the court needed to move with them.“When the members of this court were Mr. Braun’s age, the only options to enjoy a football game with, or play basketball in the park were our male peers. Similarly, baby showers and board game nights were the exclusive domains of women. Without question, there has been considerable loosening of the idea of behavioral norms based on our sex, and it is entirely possible for men and women to maintain full social lives primarily involving male-female relationships without ambiguity. The companionship and camaraderie that underlies our ideal of intimacy or even platonic love can be found with either sex, without question.“And in fact, the idea that men and women cannot be friends – with no gray area – is an anachronism that undermines any notion of equality between the sexes that we might wish to promote.”In the dissenting opinion, Justice Tina Turner posed the question to the court, “What’s love got to do with it? Any man who finds so much comfort in the company of women, almost to the exclusion of any male alternatives, is bound to find some deeper, more intimate form of comfort with at least one of them at some point. Mr. Braun was forcing Ms. Miller to play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette, but instead of a revolver with one bullet in the chamber, she was facing an automatic assault rifle with a fully loaded clip. Mr. Braun’s actions are in fact the direct cause of the lack of trust that led to their breakup.”Chief Justice Diana Ross was more succinct in her defense of Braun’s right to female friends. “Mr. Braun, even based exclusively on the testimony offered to this court, is a thoughtful, funny and engaging young man. Anyone, male or female, would stand to benefit from his friendship. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s kinda cute. Were I one of his friends, I would be glad to keep his company as long as he behaved himself when I wanted him to.”Justice Turner, referencing Justice Ross’ position on the issue, would go on to add “See, that right there is what I am talking about.”The ruling has already become a flash point for a society still grappling with changes to romantic and friendship norms that had held for centuries. Tanya Edmunds, a co-ed at the University of Texas, Austin, allowed us to interview her while she shopped at one of the city’s many thrift stores with her boyfriend, Thomas Alva.“I like the fact that Thomas has a lot of female friends, and in fact that was one of the things that attracted me to him. I feel like it helps him understand me better.”“But I will say, between you and me, that if I ever find out he crossed a line with one of them, I swear to God there will be hell to pay.”# # #

Study: 100 Percent of Fantasy Relationships End in Fantasy Divorce

published March 20, 2012LONDON, SAN FRANCISCO — In a report hailed as further proof of the decline of the institution of marriage and an unmooring from the ties that bond members of societies across the globe, researchers from the University of Cambridge in England released results from a six-year research study that indicate literally all fantasy marriages end within one year, usually in fantasy divorce.Fantasy relationships, or relationships that exist entirely within the imaginations of study participants, outnumbered actual relationships by a factor of ten thousand to one. While some of these crossed over into the material realm, researchers found 99.99 percent remain nothing but comforting fictions for those involved in them, generating a few weeks of pleasurable diversion before ceding way to thoughts deemed to have more practical relevance, such as grocery shopping lists or the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” by the rock group Journey.“We were shocked to find that, consistent with the fears of the Right, the institution of marriage, and in particular fantasy marriage, is under attack,” said Dr. Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge. “While most fantasy relationships lasted no more than six days for male participants or three weeks for female participants, those that did go on to develop into lasting, committed relationships in the minds and hearts of those we studied invariably ended poorly, in divorce or, almost as frequently, the untimely and tragic demise of the partner in a scene fraught with political intrigue and emotional turmoil.”Teenage girls from South Korea were found to have the longest relationships, with many lasting as long as twelve years. Players from the Italian Serie A football league were found to have the shortest, with most lasting just eight minutes, not including injury time. The majority began and ran their course in places like malls, churches, house parties and grocery checkout lines. Participants in the study found the ability to get in and out of the relationship quickly to be the biggest appeal, along with a nearly complete lack of consequences.London resident Julian Barnaby shared with this reporter details of his most recent relationship, which began at the South Kensington tube station at 8:15 am and ended upon his arrival to work near the London Bridge tube station 45 minutes later.“The attraction between Brittaney and I was apparent from the very beginning, there was an undeniable chemistry that took me by shock and really woke me up a bit, along with that morning’s coffee,” said Barnaby. “It all started when she almost looked in my direction boarding the train, and progressed rather quickly from there. She was reading The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann, one of my favorite books, and that was fairly typical of how thoughtful and insightful she would turn out to be, during our time together.“I had been looking for someone with those qualities for some time, along with the strong physical attraction that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. In that way I was very happy to have found a fellow traveler, a co-pilot if you will, for those journeys we’re engaged in every day. Real companionship often works that way, it makes what seems like a really long tube ride into something that exists outside of time.“She was very smartly dressed, and her ambition was something I respected and admired, although that was what would ultimately come between us, when she transferred in the direction of the Bank stop from Monument, while I went on to London Bridge.“We had an inkling it wouldn’t work out, when I noticed, in a private moment, the Arsenal tattoo near her ankle, and with me being for Chelsea, but we soldiered on for a few minutes, gamely.“Still, it was very shocking to learn her true feelings, the whole thing is something I’ve tried to put behind me, quite unsavory, really.”Elizabeth Carlson recently began a relationship with Michael Bradley, a regular in the café she frequents in San Francisco’s Lower Pacific Heights neighborhood.“The first thing I noticed about him was how he had our children’s eyes,” said Carlson. “Very gentle, with a hint of mischief, which made the way I translated his real-world glances into caresses in our fantasy relationship that much more plausible.“The other thing I noticed was his willingness to put me first, like the time ten minutes ago when he let me order a scone before him as he sorted through his change to pay for his Americano. I hope he never loses that quality.“It’s just a shame that it all ends so poorly, I had considered trying to initiate an actual relationship, but the whole thing with my friend Angela….”“I’m really going to miss him.”# # #