David J. Shepard 12/6/11 David J. Shepard 12/6/11

Realization Hits Hard: "Girls really do just want to have fun."

published December 6, 2011AMES, IA – Like many in a similar situation, 43 year old Phil Gluecott has found the transition to single life after his divorce more difficult that he imagined. As he struggles to create a daily routine to complement his busy work schedule, he’s also engaged in a process of self-discovery that has led him to question some of the beliefs he held dear about who is he is as an individual and concepts like community and reciprocity.“One insight that came to me pretty quickly is that girls really do just want to have fun,” said Gluecott.“It sounds silly but the women I’ve been meeting are strangely disinterested in the details of my divorce and the 13 years and 8 months I spent in a committed relationship with my ex-wife, Cheryl. For whatever reason, it seems to be a barrier that I can never really cross when it comes to helping prospective soul-mates understand the person I am becoming.”Lost and Found Lounge in Ames’ Campustown area is Gluecott’s preferred destination for these voyages of self-discovery. Gluecott, who agreed to be interviewed there for this story, says the clientele is friendly, attractive, and uniquely unburdened with much of the baggage he sees as the inevitable fallout of failed relationships.“The first few visits I was encouraged by the freedom with which shots could be exchanged, decent prices and the bartender’s light elbow,” he said. “But after a few drinks and some dancing, I often want to take time to reflect on my journey and topics like my disbelief over my ex-wife’s unwillingness to meet me for coffee on Sunday mornings after a night on the town, or her quickness to anger when I’ve called at an hour she feels is inappropriate.”Brittney Kusher is one of the Lost and Found’s patrons who’ve provided much needed support as Gluecott tries to re-enter single life.“It’s always flattering when a man wants to buy you a drink, or two even, and in spite of the age difference on a couple of evenings we’ve been able to develop a nice rapport,” said Kusher. “My graduate program can be very stressful and it’s great to be able to talk to someone who has been there before, who understands the struggle and who’s genuinely interested in making me laugh. Such a nice change from the men I’ve been meeting my age, who think everything has to be so serious.”But the casual nature of his post-marriage relationships has also become a challenge for Gluecott as he explores his newfound status.“I was hanging at Lost with my buddy [Jim Dugan, seated at the booth where the interview was conducted] who’s also recently divorced, and we were talking to a couple of women who had caught our eyes, really nice ladies open to experiencing another person in a way that my ex-wife Cheryl had lost interest in probably three years ago. They asked us what we did and I replied that we were like Cyndi Lauper, two guys out on the town who just wanted to have fun.“They didn’t know who Cyndi Lauper was, but what was most upsetting was that the profound insight reflected in the statement was lost on them.“These are insights that I’ve worked really hard to achieve, and clearly these are the types of understandings that develop only when you’re emerging from a time as difficult as the one I’ve been having since Cheryl and I decided to split.“In the end, it’s interactions like this that leave me feeling more than a little nostalgic for married life.”“Yeah,” added Dugan, placing a supportive hand on Gluecott’s shoulder, “it can get a little lonely.”# # #

David J. Shepard 11/10/11 David J. Shepard 11/10/11

Optimus Prime Lambastes New Autobot Recruits

published November 8, 2011PAWTUCKET, RI – In a statement released on the eve of election night, the first official day of the Christmas season, Autobot leader Optimus Prime voiced strong displeasure with the direction of the new Autobot models Hasbro has introduced.“These are men and women I am going to war with, and the newer models lack the fortitude and awesometude my soldiers need to follow me into battle. I understand the guys from marketing are trying to compete in an increasingly competitive toy sector, but with what they’ve given me, I’d be surprised if we even get a sniff of energon in the coming year.“I mean, a Segway? And he’s not even the worst of it. An iPad? And a book? The other Autobots blew their gaskets when they saw these new recruits. We are so fucked.”Hasbro’s Gene Foster, head of Sector Integration and Character Development, responded in measured and improbably spontaneous fashion to the criticism leveled at him and his team.“I hear Commander Prime’s concerns, and whose inner child wouldn’t want to listen to a giant anthropomorphized truck endowed with the voice of our Creator,” said Foster. “But these are toys plucked directly from the Amazon Wish Lists of our third biggest market segment, behind the 25-38 male demographic and the traditional children’s toy demographic.“If I can have permission to be candid, Commander Prime may have been huffing too many diesel fumes. He needs to realize that this is a new generation, with new Amazon Wish Lists, and that the company has a responsibility to children and to the shareholders to provide the type of characters and future movie product placement opportunities this new generation is asking for.”Commander Prime was no less candid when asked to elaborate on the challenges the new recruits present.“The challenges become obvious when I tell the Autobots to ‘Roll Out,’ and I have to tell Private Segway to hide and hope no one finds him.“As far as his transform mode goes, even humans aren’t fooled. No one has ever bought a Segway, ever, at least not intentionally. So of course he’s a robot in disguise. A robot incapable of defending himself from bullying and abuse by Go-bots, even, and whom I strongly recommend for re-commission as a stripper pole, as much as I hate to give him that pleasure.“The iPad is a pompous jackwad who can’t stop talking about the incredible ecosystem she belongs to, and how privileged we should feel to have a recruit so ingeniously well-designed and only moderately more expensive than necessary among our ranks. Which would be tolerable, if it weren’t for the fact that she and Private Book are engaged in a constant argument about each other’s right to exist and the role of physical books in an increasingly digital universe.“The only thing more constant than their arguing is the timeless struggle between an oversimplified vision of right and wrong as represented by my troops and the evil Decepticons,” said Prime.“Hasbro has no plans to recall these new models,” said Foster. “We’ve seen the power of technologies like the book and the iPad in the events that have unfolded in the Middle East this year, which I can’t help but see as related to the brilliantly paced and acted battle scenes in Egypt in the first live action Transformers movie, available now with both sequels as two disc Blu-ray/DVD combos.”“Times change, and I suggest Commander Prime begin adjusting to his new reality. A reality in which product placement trumps troop morale.”Advised of Foster’s remarks, Prime said “Now you see why Megan Fox left. I'm Deuces.” At which point he rolled out toward Interstate 95 South.# # #

David J. Shepard 8/22/11 David J. Shepard 8/22/11

In Tough Times, Country Turns to Tradition

published August 18, 2011

GREENVILLE, SC — Rising food and energy costs. Depressed and depressing home values. Turmoil in the financial markets. Nearly every state in the Union has been affected by the global economic slow-down, or as some economists have begun to call it, the economic stop-down. In the face of so much uncertainty, Americans have begun the inevitable return to tradition. In cities from Tampa to Tacoma, Miami to Minneapolis, employees of companies of all sizes take Thursday mornings to Pour Out a Little Liquor for Our Homies Who Are Not Here.

The tradition goes as far back as the mid-1990s, when Dough Boy performed it for the first time in the 1991 film Boyz In the Hood. That film introduced America to the alternative spellings that thrive in our contemporary culture, and helped our nation know, care and show what goes on in the ‘hood.

Unemployment in the state of South Carolina has almost reached its historical apex, which would be the same thing as its nadir, and currently stands at 10.5 percent. While companies like Boeing and other large manufacturers have brought their plants to the state to capitalize on a hungry workforce, the current economic climate has undone gains the state took decades to create. “It’s pretty fucked up,” said Caden Capp an unemployed local resident. “I’m broke all the time. Which is definitely worse than the paycheck-to-paycheck that was happening before. At least I have my health.”

In the past, states like South Carolina have lauded their competitive advantage as "right to work" states. “Our economy remains where it needs to be, although clearly the current climate has made us re-evaluate things a bit,” said Marcia Adams, head of the South Carolina Budget and Control Board. “And we’ve made the proper adjustments — tightening up our expenditures, and we’ve changed the state constitution to officially identify ourselves as a Right to Not Work state. That brings us in line with other parts of the country. And it’s what my friends like to call apropos on a variety of levels.”

Angela Browning works in an office park just outside of the downtown area. “Originally, we took our frustrations out on office machinery. But soon we ran out of printer scanners. And with other options limited, we thought to ourselves that maybe the best thing to do would be to go back to what worked before, for the dude in the Coors commercial. In the 90s. Because we were much more prosperous then.”In the spirit of conmingled traditions that has come to typify encounters between east and west, or west and south, the printer-fax sacrificial ritual evolved from a form of protest of the soul-killing aspect of so many corporate jobs into something that could help its participants make sense of complex feelings associated with loss and grief.“The six of us here, we’ve found this helps relive the anxiety and frustration that happens when we all need to tighten our belts,” said Browning from one a group of largely empty cubicles. “Or when, for instance, when a company’s profit margin falls below what the board of directors finds comfortable.”After layoffs, staff found comfort in the fact that they had not themselves been subject to the axe. “But when we were given the responsibilities of the people that had been let go, that started to feel... not as comforting,” said Browning.Every Thursday the staff gather at the water cooler and pour some of the water from their algene bottles out onto the kitchen floor, which has the added benefit of keeping it a little cleaner after cutbacks to maintenance budgets.“It relieves the stress, reminds us of those who couldn’t be here,” said Browning. “And when the office manager comes and tells us our 15 minute break has ended, it gives us the strength we need to get back to maximizing the productivity the company requires to stay competitive.”

“So really it’s a win-win. And reciprocity is at the heart of every good, or not as bad as it could be, relationship.”

# # #

David J. Shepard 8/13/11 David J. Shepard 8/13/11

Report: Prayer in Schools Not Solution to Underperforming Schools

published April 15, 2014LOS ANGELES, CA – Strapped by diminishing tax revenues and the worst economic climate since the early 80s, three years ago the Los Angeles public schools began a new initiative designed to improve outcomes for the students and schools most at risk: the Divine Intervention Program, which re-introduced prayer in schools.In 2011 when the initiative began, California schools had the fifth-highest percentage of failing schools in the country. While the debate about what constitutes a failing school raged, the Los Angeles Unified School District decided to try a measure its staunchest opponents called drastic and its most fervent advocates called long overdue.“The district leadership met in [Superintendent Dr. James] Deasy’s office in the spring of 2011 to plan for the coming school year,” said Dr. Janalyn Williams Glymph, LAUSD’s personnel director. “We were trying to figure out how to better communicate about how the economic climate was impacting the performance of our students.”“There was no public consensus on how to effectively support school reform, but what we did agree on is that in the current climate, any reasonable person would acknowledge that we should be praying for our students.”“And that’s when one of the state representatives, Franklin Roosevelt, said, ‘Maybe that’s the solution we’ve been ignoring for three decades. If we are going to need to pray for them in order for them to miraculously get the benefits we all agree a student should receive from their public schooling, maybe we can maximize our resources and re-introduce prayer in schools, and get everyone praying for the students.’”“It was sort of like an a-ha moment for us,” said Williams Glymph. “Most of us had grown up in the 80s ourselves and were familiar with the Norwegian group that had made such a big impact on our musical taste. So we said, alright, let’s give it a try.”“Really, this was something that was a return to values,” said Representative Roosevelt. “Clearly one of our countries founding principles is a separation of church and state.”“But an even more fundamental value is that we as Americans should work to bootstrap ourselves up. Giving students the ability to pray in school again was a way to encourage entrepreneurship and allow students to take control over their own learning.”“Whatever our personal system of belief, there is almost universal agreement in this country and among our business and industry that entrepreneurship and innovative, outside the box thinking is the key to American competitiveness.”The program was initiated for the 2011-12 academic year. Initial results were mixed, but success at several schools led to the program being expanded district-wide.Some parents but particularly educators were anxious about the transition.“Some of the problems we faced and continue to face are systemic,” said public school teacher Manning West. “Many were because of a lack of funding. And a considerable number were because of a failure to reach consensus on what education should be doing, in its most basic form.”“But because children are our biggest investment in our future, we thought it was worth a shot. Put them in the hands of an omniscient power that can see into the future and provide for their needs.”“As a Deist, and lapsed Skeptic, I was skeptical,” said Pamela Watson, an active member of the Parent Teacher Student Association in her school district. “Although my faith may make me an anachronism, it also maps most closely to the religious outlook of our Founding Fathers, who were no less a product of their experiences during the Enlightenment than our students, and my children, will be a product of our time.”Initial results from the yearly assessments during the first year gave some in the district renewed hope.“In the past, I never got more than 25 percent of the questions right on the spelling tests I was askd [sic] to take,” wrote one second grade student, Melissa D. “But from what I learnt [sic] about the power of prayer, I decided I would pray to receive His blessings and also the ability to spell.”“Now I get at least 45 percent of the questions right.”But the gains turned out to not be enough. A report released today from the school district says that the high school dropout rate in 2007 was approximately 26 percent. Those figures haven’t decreased significantly in the seven years since, although the report cautions that “any increase or decrease could never be definitively ascribed to the Divine Intervention Program.”State lawmakers in Sacramento continue to debate an appropriate response to the report.“Look,” said new LAUSD superintendant Dr. Jonathan Lock, “I can only tell you what I see.”“I cannot argue against the value of religion as a way to help us understand our human strength and frailty, as well as our nature as spiritual beings, however you define that term.”“For many years, the Bible and texts from other religious faiths have provided a foundation in ethics and a basis for our social relationships that should not be ignored.”“And while the Bible can provide invaluable wisdom about how to conduct ourselves in the world, what it does not provide is a process for enacting lasting, systemic education reform that will prepare students to lead us all forward in a century defined by global competition.”“I am discouraged by the report, obviously,” said California State Governor Thomas Cruz. “But like faith, this is one of many possible options. We will continue to work for solutions.”# # #

David J. Shepard 8/12/11 David J. Shepard 8/12/11

Film Critic More Critical of Nearly Everything Else

published June 22, 2011RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Jeremy Ryder is one of the most popular – and trusted – film critics in the country. His syndicated columns and tv show help America know what they like. And his reviews can make or break a film. Ryder sat down with Entertainment Bi-Daily to talk about his craft at his estate in Rancho Cucamonga in preparation for filming of the 5,000th episode of his tv show.Ryder’s 7,000 square foot home is straight from one of the movies he writes about so elegantly. Ryder brought us poolside to talk about his uncanny knack for measuring the zeitgeist, a skill which led the American Association of Film Journalists to call him “The best living example of excellence in film criticism” and “a true bellwether for America’s experience with film.”EBD: Thanks for having us in your home, it’s beautiful. Clearly film and the film industry has treated you well.JR: Well, I love film, and I particularly love movies. Movies have added so much to my life, I feel like it is my duty, as a movie lover, to share what I’ve learned from watching for four decades, so that others can share my unconditional love for movies as well.EBD: What is it like to be one of the most respected journalists working in any field today?JR: First, let me say that I don’t really see myself as a journalist. I see myself as a tool for helping people unlock their reactions to a film. What I do is show people themselves, as they look to themselves through the gauze filter of Hollywood’s cameras.Someone like Samantha Shaw of the Fresno Bee, I think of her as one of the best journalists in the country. Her most recent series on the impact of agribusiness on sustainable food production, and the detrimental and de-stablizing role of agribusiness in the developing world, that’s brilliant. In three generations we have caused more ecological harm than probably the entire previous human history.Her work has changed my life. It helped me stand strong in my convictions. For the past twelve years, I have committed to eating sustainably and organically produced food that is, more importantly, locally sourced. That’s meat, produce, everything. As a country we consume a disproportionate amount of global resources. We also have a disproportionate impact on the environment. So I think as a country we have a moral obligation to repay this debt we’ve unloaded on the developing world, starting with the way we live our lives every day.That’s the power of journalism.I may have 315,000 Twitter followers to her 400, but she is still one of the people I look up to in journalism.EBD: But clearly people look up to you as well. JR: Yes, they do. And I look up to them, too, by giving them everything they need to know, to know how to feel about a film. The respect is mutual.EBD: Your influence is unmatched, no?JR: (laughing) Yes, what you see around you speaks to that.EBD: So do you disagree? James Cameron credits you with single-handedly helping people appreciate his films.JR: Oh, I love his work! A movie like "Titanic," I think I said it best when I said, “See it now! It’s a timeless love story that connects us to our romantic past. See it now!”EBD: So true.JR: But endowing corporations with all the rights of individuals has also been influential. Our political system is no longer as responsive to the needs of its citizens, it has lost its concern with assuring the provision and access to things we once described as the Social Good. That’s an example of influence that I don’t think any of us would point to as positive.EBD: OK. What are some of your favorite recent films?JR: I loved "Crazy, Stupid, Love." When I said “'Crazy, Stupid, Love' is crazy stoopid good!” I meant it. Ryan Gosling is exactly who we want to believe has problems developing deep, lasting relationships. The chemistry between him and Emma Stone – it’s magical. Like a unicorn. It’s almost like they met at least two weeks before filming started! Stone plays her role of a woman in a film flawlessly.And not to return to Cameron, but a film like "Avatar" is so well loved for a reason. It’s touching, timely and poignant. That film does a perfect job of doing what film does so incredibly, which is let us look at it.I’ve seen more than 200,000 films and I love every one of them. It’s impossible to have a favorite, in the same way a parent loves every one of their children equally.EBD: Where do you see film going? Where would you like to see it go?JR: I’d like to see film continue to connect us to our humanity. If I learned anything from my years as a lover first and critic second of film, is that we need to keep watching everything. The 282 films that are coming out this summer, I predict will be the best summer films of the year. Two enthusiastic thumbs and eight ecstatic fingers up!# # #

David J. Shepard 8/12/11 David J. Shepard 8/12/11

Hanks Hosts 2nd Annual Fellatio Challenge

published July 17, 2011LOMPOC, CA – Everyone knows these are hard times in America—recession and unemployment flourish in a politically charged and divisive environment. But just as American as speculative bubbles and white-collar crime is the impulse to help the less fortunate.

For more than three decades, no celebrity has embodied the Everyman more fervently than Tom Hanks. Sometimes referred to (by old people) as the Jimmy Stewart of his generation, Hanks has played a gay afflicted with AIDS (“Philadelphia”), a moron who for some reason lives in the 20th century (“Forrest Gump”), and a diseased professor-type battling the Illuminati (“The Vinci Code”). He was recently voted “Best Actor” by Us magazine and reportedly commands up to $20 million per film.But none of the accolades stopped Hanks from reclining in a club chair last week and having jobless Americans line up to give him fellatio. It was part of a charity event called the “Tom Hanks Fellatio Challenge”, in which Americans whose unemployment benefits have expired can get “put back to work” administering oral sex on celebrity panelists. All proceeds, based on ticket sales, raffle items (a ten-speed bike once owned by Steve McQueen was this year's hot item, going for a cool $36,500), and donations go to a good cause, of course.The idea came about completely by chance. “I was having lunch in Brentwood with a couple of friends,” Hanks recalls, “And I said something off-the-cuff, like, 'You know what? All these unemployed people can line up and suck my dick.' Well, it turned out that [“Survivor” showrunner Mark] Burnett and [“Survivor” host Jeff] Probst were at the next table. And they said, 'You know what? Yeah. Let's make that happen.' So here we are. We knew we wouldn't be able to get this event on television, but with some creative marketing we've raised well over $10,000 to help these poor, destitute people.”Other celebrities joining Hanks on the Dais of Suck (a prop suggested and co-branded by event sponsor James Dyson, of Dyson) were NBA legend Abdul Kareem-Jabbar (Lew Alcindor), alternative music vocalist Jay Kay of the band Jamiroquai, and that guy Harry Whittington, who former Vice President Dick Cheney shot in the face on a hunting trip in Wyoming.“It's great to be here,” said Jabbar (Alcindor), in the midst of being serviced by Sheila Brown, a laid-off FedEx employee from Memphis. “People need to understand, there are no guarantees in life. I made some bad business deals and basically lost every single dime I earned over my playing career. So I'm looking forward to getting a paycheck at the end of the day today.”Informed that he would not be receiving payment for his participation, Jabbar (Alcindor) grabbed the woman's hair, forced her skull downward and said, “NGGGGGH!”“The fuck was that you said?” he added.Jay Kay also agreed that it was high time to start helping others in their time need. For the pop icon known for his floppy hats, sunglasses and fluid dance moves, being vigorously pleasured by Alice Quincy, a winsome former 1st grade teacher victimized by state budget cuts, hardly raised his pulse.“I'm just trying to get astral,” he said, leaning casually against the discount wall of the abandoned Borders bookstore in downtown Lompoc, where the Challenge was held. “I am a qi tiger.”Asked if he was at work on a new Jamiroquai album, Kay replied, “I am a qi tiger. My flow is next-generation prophesy, like the divination of Alpha Centauri.”Hanks seemed pleased by the turnout of this year's event. “We need to turn these people out,” he said. “If there's anything I've learned from starring in my movies, it's that with hard work and moxie you can overcome anything. I mean, we have ten percent unemployment. Fine. That means ninety percent are still working. So what are these people today doing wrong? I dunno. Maybe you can tell me. It's gotta be something. Lack of moxie? Too much fucking teeth? Probably, Denise. I can tell you that after today, some of these good people should be able to put some food on the table for their family. They'll be eating steak tonight—right, Denise?”Someone in the audience asked Hanks if his penis were one of his movies, which one would it be. Hanks paused, his facial muscles clenching into a pre-climax rictus. “Platoon,” he said, to laughter.Just another example that in America, even the deepest recession has its bright moments.

David J. Shepard 8/11/11 David J. Shepard 8/11/11

City Divided by Divisive Personality

published September 14, 2013

CHICAGO – A city that believed it had overcome its historical struggles is divided once again along the North-South lines that once defined its haves and have nots. Some 45 years after the Democratic National Convention that proved a watershed for the civil rights movement of the 60s, the struggle this time is between the oversensitivity-rich North Side of Chicago and their filter-poor neighbors to the South.

The animosity was sparked by former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Guillen, now a broadcaster for the team, brought pride to residents of Chicago’s South Side when his 2005 team won the first World Series Championship since Joe Jackson changed the word “Shoeless” into an epithet most people only wanted associated with their wives. Guillen’s comments were made during the bottom half of the fifth inning at a game at Seven Name Changes Deep Financial Institution Field, which also happened to be Disco Record Bobble Head Doll Day.

Asked about what he would do with his bobble head when the game was over, Guillen responded “Throw that shit away. Who wants a bobble head of a disco record? I mean, yeah it’s a bobble head, and this may make me unpopular, but the truth is those things all look the same anyway. One more bobble head in my basement, what is that going to prove?”

“I mean, I have played the third-most games at shortstop of any player named Ozzie in major league history. I don’t need more trophies.”

Guillen’s on-air comments sparked a torrent of tweets, re-tweets, wall posts, shares, calls for a dislike button, unfriendings, and requests to connect through LinkedIn. Within 30 minutes, video of the broadcast had been viewed 6,775,235,700 times on YouTube, making it the third-most watched YouTube video ever.

Team officials were quick to attempt to distance themselves from the controversy. “Ozzie knows this, because we have talked about it many times in the past,” said General Manager Ken “Rooster” Harrelson. “There are three things you cannot talk about in professional sports – politics, religion and homosexuality. Our Communications staff is not clear on this, but what they have told me to state is that this touches on all three, and as such is clearly outside of the lines of what you can say about something that happens either inside or outside of the lines.”

But despite threats against his life and against his collection of My Little Pony figurines, Guillen remained unremorseful, adding fuel to the flames when he said in another public statement, “El Gallito, I can say whatever the fuck I want, it’s my First Amendment right to free speech. So suck it, Gallito.”

In statement Harrelson made the next day, and issued a terse but firm rebuke, when he said “Technically, he’s right, he’s within his rights to say that.”

Residents of Chicago’s North Side were quick to call for an official reprimand, or at least tickets to the next White Sox-Cubs series at Wrigley. Their fervor, which gathered momentum through flyers posted on bulletin boards at Whole Foods, REI and other centers of public activity, led to a march on City Hall, where they were met by White Sox fans. Discussions of whether or not the Sox staff ERA+ was a sign of pitching superiority devolved into insults against Harold Baines and the inevitable violent conflict erupted.

City politicians were quick to mobilize in an effort to ease tensions. Former President Obama led a rally a Soldier Field, where he addressed a crowd anxious to end the three days of passive aggression between co-workers.

“I know it is a surprise to many of you that I would take the time to stand here, on the playing field of a sport that only has one team here in Chicago, and address the comments Mr. Guillen made as if they could be taken seriously,” said Mr. Obama. “But as the first post-racial President, and also the President whose term was described as ‘The Most Disappointing Ever,’ I want to tell you that we, as proud Chicagoans, have no place in our town for any form of bigotry or hatred – either the comments Mr. Guillen made, or the violence and tension that was caused by fans of both teams.”

As Jesse Jackson cried behind him on the stage, Mr. Obama talked about his experience growing up and the impact the hatred he and his family experienced had on his formative years.

“It was a source of great hurt, but also provided me with the motivation to eventually run for the White House.”

“We all know how that turned out, but still, let’s try and use this to make a commitment to changing the way we behave with each other. I don’t know about you, but I am looking at the man in the mirror, not the fan in the bleacher!”

Other celebrities in attendance were Kanye West and his recent wife Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Peggy Tanous of Real Wives of Orange County. Tanous received a riotous reception as she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.

“I know firsthand what this type of prejudice can do to a person,” she said, trying to coax her tear ducts into action. “My fellow cast members and I are mistaken for each other continually. We cannot even approach a Real Doll factory for fear of being accidentally packed into a box and shipped somewhere with a cooler climate than Southern California.”

“As I am up here, getting the type of attention I so desperately crave, I beg you do not accessorize with hate!”

The crowd burst into applause, as a group of bobble heads on the stage also nodded their approval continuously.

Another Rally Cap for Reconciliation is scheduled to be held this Wednesday, on Michael Jordan Plaza, which overlooks Scottie Pippen Plaza on the new site of United Arena, re-christened Re-United and it Feels So Good Arena for the event.

# # #

David J. Shepard 8/11/11 David J. Shepard 8/11/11

Hooker with a Heart of Gold Sells Heart for Drugs

In exchange for her heart, Samantha received $400, and a packet of cocaine and heroin commonly referred to as an 8-ball. Samantha’s professional handler took half of the sale price.

published July 4, 2011

PHILADELPHIA – Doctors share an incredible story emerging this past month, of a woman, whom they call “Samantha,” who sold her heart of gold, which she carried with her throughout nearly ten years as a prostitute, in exchange for cash for drugs.

Samantha’s old heart was extremely valuable, since it was made of one of earth’s most precious commodities. She decided to sell it after learning from numerous Johns that it was definitely made of gold. Her old heart was removed by a black market surgeon, who replaced it with a series of ziploc bags and rubber bands. The new heart, despite its makeshift nature, functions well enough to keep Samantha alive.

“That maybe wasn’t the best decision,” said the woman. “I kinda wish I had kept it. Or maybe most of it.”

In exchange for her heart, Samantha received $400, and a packet of cocaine and heroin commonly referred to as an 8-ball. Samantha’s professional handler took half of the sale price.

“I know I’ll get it back because he cares about me,” she said at the time of her admittance to hospital. “It’s just a matter of time before I am up and back on my feet.”

The experience has led Samantha to embark on a new stage of her life.

“I realize I made some very bad decisions, but that was definitely the worst one. I have seen people change, and I resolve to do just that.”

As of the time of this report, Samantha had managed to stay off the streets and drug free.

“Surprisingly, not having the heart of gold has allowed me to be a little more honest with myself about how I feel about what I was doing.”

“Obviously, a decision like that is usually made in haste. Which has helped me understand what happens when I make decisions in haste. And I am learning.”

# # #

David J. Shepard 8/11/11 David J. Shepard 8/11/11

Rioting Redeemed through Act of God

published August 31, 2011

LONDON, WASHINGTON, D.C., MUMBAI and BERLIN – After three weeks of rioting that spread from London to nearly every large city in the world, resulting in countless deaths and even more injuries, a phenomenon appeared in the sky above cities such as Sao Paulo, London, New York, Mumbai, Beijing, Madrid, Mexico City, Paris, Cairo, Tokyo and Lima. It is being hailed by many as a message from a higher power ushering in a new age of justice and equality – in the form of rainbows.

The phenomenon began shortly after the police in those cities, aided by the military, had finally managed to crush the protests and protesters that took to the streets to demand justice and their rights as human beings. As tanks and military vehicles around the world chased the few remaining survivors of the cities affected by the riots into dark alleys and “disappeared” them, rain began to fall, washing away the blood that had flowed from the bodies of women, children and citizens of nearly every age, victims of a few who had attempted to “provoke violence and foment unrest at the expense of their fellow country people,” said President Barack Obama in the first official non-military response to the events many have deemed “Dog Days Doomsday.”“But what we have seen this month, the bloodiest month in the history of the world, including both World Wars, is that no one group of individuals can keep people from finding freedom from the oppression of a few. Clearly, only the government, and in particular a government with a strong military industrial complex, can end the life of suffering that so many racked by poverty, displaced and dispossessed, and in many cases deprived of what we in the West call natural human rights, had to suffer until this week.”“In time we will all say that the billions of people who suffered and died from the actions of these few hundred millions have not died in vain, when the history of this incident is written by White House Press Staff and their equivalents in other countries. Or whenever we finally get down to crafting the messaging regarding this difficult time in the lives of so many governments.”Shortly after the rain, these signs from above, as many refer to them, were interpreted merely as the result of rain.“But clearly this was a very pessimistic view,” said Chancellor Angela Merkel of the former Germany, now know as German Solid State Engineering. “We began alerting our remaining citizens to the reality that these were, in fact, a sign that the turmoil and fear and violence they and their families, neighbors, pets, associates and nearly all of our country’s more undesirable elements had the misfortune to fall victim to was in fact, over. And this was a sign for hope and peace that might perhaps last a thousand years, if our calculations were accurate.”“I spoke with Chancellor Merkel in the last week of this period of unfortunate chaos, and our thoughts were eerily aligned,” said Mr. Obama. “Like me, her heart went out to an entire world struggling to make sense of this. But we saw that the time for action would come, and that we would be able to transition into something much more peaceful, stable, and friendly to markets.”In different countries, people started to take note of these spectacles that filled their skies. “I knew it was a sign,” said Bobby E. Leigh of Sydney, Australia, “like the sign He had given man before that once the flood was over, we would never have to suffer through that again. And even counting the tsunamis and stuff, that has been technically accurate.”“You must believe,” said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, “and not only because we are telling you to. I mean, last night, we had another rainbow. It was a double rainbow. Almost a triple rainbow. Oh my god.”One former member of government spoke with this reporter not for attribution, out of respect for the authority of the head of his country.“This event has tugged on the hearts of many, as Mr. Obama said, although I had the strings of my heart surgically removed many many years ago, and so have lost this capacity. But I know that others might feel it, based on memory from my very very very early youth.”Residents of different countries have called the phenomenon by different names: The Ghandi Light, Cinturon de Chavez, Evangelion Number 13, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue, but the effect has been the same – to instill in the world’s people a sense of hope that was, for that nearly three weeks, almost entirely gone.British Prime Minister David Cameron, whose country was the place the riots that would engulf the world began, said that the time has come for healing. “No one could have predicted the violence that ensued from the acts of aggression of people with no respect for the rule of law, or for the abuse of that rule of law by their country’s law enforcement.”“We can only hope that we never see this time again,” said Cameron. “Which is why I am announcing shortly that a new election will be held this fall to affirm this country’s confidence in its government.”“Just as these rainbows have followed on the heels of a very tough time, so our governments, in the United Kingdom and the world, will respond in ways that reflect the gravity of the situation.”“Given the renewed optimism that now exists, and the incredible efforts that people have already made to put systems of government back in place, we can all remain hopeful.”“There is nothing perhaps more magical than a rainbow, or the double rainbows that have been seen in nearly every part of the globe. The only thing more magical would be unicorns. But only slightly more magical.”In a sentiment echoed by leaders in nearly every country, Cameron summed up his feelings.“I have never been prouder to lead this country.”# # #