City Divided by Divisive Personality
CHICAGO – A city that believed it had overcome its historical struggles is divided once again along the North-South lines that once defined its haves and have nots. Some 45 years after the Democratic National Convention that proved a watershed for the civil rights movement of the 60s, the struggle this time is between the oversensitivity-rich North Side of Chicago and their filter-poor neighbors to the South.
The animosity was sparked by former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Guillen, now a broadcaster for the team, brought pride to residents of Chicago’s South Side when his 2005 team won the first World Series Championship since Joe Jackson changed the word “Shoeless” into an epithet most people only wanted associated with their wives. Guillen’s comments were made during the bottom half of the fifth inning at a game at Seven Name Changes Deep Financial Institution Field, which also happened to be Disco Record Bobble Head Doll Day.
Asked about what he would do with his bobble head when the game was over, Guillen responded “Throw that shit away. Who wants a bobble head of a disco record? I mean, yeah it’s a bobble head, and this may make me unpopular, but the truth is those things all look the same anyway. One more bobble head in my basement, what is that going to prove?”
“I mean, I have played the third-most games at shortstop of any player named Ozzie in major league history. I don’t need more trophies.”
Guillen’s on-air comments sparked a torrent of tweets, re-tweets, wall posts, shares, calls for a dislike button, unfriendings, and requests to connect through LinkedIn. Within 30 minutes, video of the broadcast had been viewed 6,775,235,700 times on YouTube, making it the third-most watched YouTube video ever.
Team officials were quick to attempt to distance themselves from the controversy. “Ozzie knows this, because we have talked about it many times in the past,” said General Manager Ken “Rooster” Harrelson. “There are three things you cannot talk about in professional sports – politics, religion and homosexuality. Our Communications staff is not clear on this, but what they have told me to state is that this touches on all three, and as such is clearly outside of the lines of what you can say about something that happens either inside or outside of the lines.”
But despite threats against his life and against his collection of My Little Pony figurines, Guillen remained unremorseful, adding fuel to the flames when he said in another public statement, “El Gallito, I can say whatever the fuck I want, it’s my First Amendment right to free speech. So suck it, Gallito.”
In statement Harrelson made the next day, and issued a terse but firm rebuke, when he said “Technically, he’s right, he’s within his rights to say that.”
Residents of Chicago’s North Side were quick to call for an official reprimand, or at least tickets to the next White Sox-Cubs series at Wrigley. Their fervor, which gathered momentum through flyers posted on bulletin boards at Whole Foods, REI and other centers of public activity, led to a march on City Hall, where they were met by White Sox fans. Discussions of whether or not the Sox staff ERA+ was a sign of pitching superiority devolved into insults against Harold Baines and the inevitable violent conflict erupted.
City politicians were quick to mobilize in an effort to ease tensions. Former President Obama led a rally a Soldier Field, where he addressed a crowd anxious to end the three days of passive aggression between co-workers.
“I know it is a surprise to many of you that I would take the time to stand here, on the playing field of a sport that only has one team here in Chicago, and address the comments Mr. Guillen made as if they could be taken seriously,” said Mr. Obama. “But as the first post-racial President, and also the President whose term was described as ‘The Most Disappointing Ever,’ I want to tell you that we, as proud Chicagoans, have no place in our town for any form of bigotry or hatred – either the comments Mr. Guillen made, or the violence and tension that was caused by fans of both teams.”
As Jesse Jackson cried behind him on the stage, Mr. Obama talked about his experience growing up and the impact the hatred he and his family experienced had on his formative years.
“It was a source of great hurt, but also provided me with the motivation to eventually run for the White House.”
“We all know how that turned out, but still, let’s try and use this to make a commitment to changing the way we behave with each other. I don’t know about you, but I am looking at the man in the mirror, not the fan in the bleacher!”
Other celebrities in attendance were Kanye West and his recent wife Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Peggy Tanous of Real Wives of Orange County. Tanous received a riotous reception as she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.
“I know firsthand what this type of prejudice can do to a person,” she said, trying to coax her tear ducts into action. “My fellow cast members and I are mistaken for each other continually. We cannot even approach a Real Doll factory for fear of being accidentally packed into a box and shipped somewhere with a cooler climate than Southern California.”
“As I am up here, getting the type of attention I so desperately crave, I beg you do not accessorize with hate!”
The crowd burst into applause, as a group of bobble heads on the stage also nodded their approval continuously.
Another Rally Cap for Reconciliation is scheduled to be held this Wednesday, on Michael Jordan Plaza, which overlooks Scottie Pippen Plaza on the new site of United Arena, re-christened Re-United and it Feels So Good Arena for the event.
# # #