Study: 100 Percent of Fantasy Relationships End in Fantasy Divorce

published March 20, 2012LONDON, SAN FRANCISCO — In a report hailed as further proof of the decline of the institution of marriage and an unmooring from the ties that bond members of societies across the globe, researchers from the University of Cambridge in England released results from a six-year research study that indicate literally all fantasy marriages end within one year, usually in fantasy divorce.Fantasy relationships, or relationships that exist entirely within the imaginations of study participants, outnumbered actual relationships by a factor of ten thousand to one. While some of these crossed over into the material realm, researchers found 99.99 percent remain nothing but comforting fictions for those involved in them, generating a few weeks of pleasurable diversion before ceding way to thoughts deemed to have more practical relevance, such as grocery shopping lists or the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” by the rock group Journey.“We were shocked to find that, consistent with the fears of the Right, the institution of marriage, and in particular fantasy marriage, is under attack,” said Dr. Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge. “While most fantasy relationships lasted no more than six days for male participants or three weeks for female participants, those that did go on to develop into lasting, committed relationships in the minds and hearts of those we studied invariably ended poorly, in divorce or, almost as frequently, the untimely and tragic demise of the partner in a scene fraught with political intrigue and emotional turmoil.”Teenage girls from South Korea were found to have the longest relationships, with many lasting as long as twelve years. Players from the Italian Serie A football league were found to have the shortest, with most lasting just eight minutes, not including injury time. The majority began and ran their course in places like malls, churches, house parties and grocery checkout lines. Participants in the study found the ability to get in and out of the relationship quickly to be the biggest appeal, along with a nearly complete lack of consequences.London resident Julian Barnaby shared with this reporter details of his most recent relationship, which began at the South Kensington tube station at 8:15 am and ended upon his arrival to work near the London Bridge tube station 45 minutes later.“The attraction between Brittaney and I was apparent from the very beginning, there was an undeniable chemistry that took me by shock and really woke me up a bit, along with that morning’s coffee,” said Barnaby. “It all started when she almost looked in my direction boarding the train, and progressed rather quickly from there. She was reading The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann, one of my favorite books, and that was fairly typical of how thoughtful and insightful she would turn out to be, during our time together.“I had been looking for someone with those qualities for some time, along with the strong physical attraction that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. In that way I was very happy to have found a fellow traveler, a co-pilot if you will, for those journeys we’re engaged in every day. Real companionship often works that way, it makes what seems like a really long tube ride into something that exists outside of time.“She was very smartly dressed, and her ambition was something I respected and admired, although that was what would ultimately come between us, when she transferred in the direction of the Bank stop from Monument, while I went on to London Bridge.“We had an inkling it wouldn’t work out, when I noticed, in a private moment, the Arsenal tattoo near her ankle, and with me being for Chelsea, but we soldiered on for a few minutes, gamely.“Still, it was very shocking to learn her true feelings, the whole thing is something I’ve tried to put behind me, quite unsavory, really.”Elizabeth Carlson recently began a relationship with Michael Bradley, a regular in the café she frequents in San Francisco’s Lower Pacific Heights neighborhood.“The first thing I noticed about him was how he had our children’s eyes,” said Carlson. “Very gentle, with a hint of mischief, which made the way I translated his real-world glances into caresses in our fantasy relationship that much more plausible.“The other thing I noticed was his willingness to put me first, like the time ten minutes ago when he let me order a scone before him as he sorted through his change to pay for his Americano. I hope he never loses that quality.“It’s just a shame that it all ends so poorly, I had considered trying to initiate an actual relationship, but the whole thing with my friend Angela….”“I’m really going to miss him.”# # #