Hanks Hosts 2nd Annual Fellatio Challenge

published July 17, 2011LOMPOC, CA – Everyone knows these are hard times in America—recession and unemployment flourish in a politically charged and divisive environment. But just as American as speculative bubbles and white-collar crime is the impulse to help the less fortunate.

For more than three decades, no celebrity has embodied the Everyman more fervently than Tom Hanks. Sometimes referred to (by old people) as the Jimmy Stewart of his generation, Hanks has played a gay afflicted with AIDS (“Philadelphia”), a moron who for some reason lives in the 20th century (“Forrest Gump”), and a diseased professor-type battling the Illuminati (“The Vinci Code”). He was recently voted “Best Actor” by Us magazine and reportedly commands up to $20 million per film.But none of the accolades stopped Hanks from reclining in a club chair last week and having jobless Americans line up to give him fellatio. It was part of a charity event called the “Tom Hanks Fellatio Challenge”, in which Americans whose unemployment benefits have expired can get “put back to work” administering oral sex on celebrity panelists. All proceeds, based on ticket sales, raffle items (a ten-speed bike once owned by Steve McQueen was this year's hot item, going for a cool $36,500), and donations go to a good cause, of course.The idea came about completely by chance. “I was having lunch in Brentwood with a couple of friends,” Hanks recalls, “And I said something off-the-cuff, like, 'You know what? All these unemployed people can line up and suck my dick.' Well, it turned out that [“Survivor” showrunner Mark] Burnett and [“Survivor” host Jeff] Probst were at the next table. And they said, 'You know what? Yeah. Let's make that happen.' So here we are. We knew we wouldn't be able to get this event on television, but with some creative marketing we've raised well over $10,000 to help these poor, destitute people.”Other celebrities joining Hanks on the Dais of Suck (a prop suggested and co-branded by event sponsor James Dyson, of Dyson) were NBA legend Abdul Kareem-Jabbar (Lew Alcindor), alternative music vocalist Jay Kay of the band Jamiroquai, and that guy Harry Whittington, who former Vice President Dick Cheney shot in the face on a hunting trip in Wyoming.“It's great to be here,” said Jabbar (Alcindor), in the midst of being serviced by Sheila Brown, a laid-off FedEx employee from Memphis. “People need to understand, there are no guarantees in life. I made some bad business deals and basically lost every single dime I earned over my playing career. So I'm looking forward to getting a paycheck at the end of the day today.”Informed that he would not be receiving payment for his participation, Jabbar (Alcindor) grabbed the woman's hair, forced her skull downward and said, “NGGGGGH!”“The fuck was that you said?” he added.Jay Kay also agreed that it was high time to start helping others in their time need. For the pop icon known for his floppy hats, sunglasses and fluid dance moves, being vigorously pleasured by Alice Quincy, a winsome former 1st grade teacher victimized by state budget cuts, hardly raised his pulse.“I'm just trying to get astral,” he said, leaning casually against the discount wall of the abandoned Borders bookstore in downtown Lompoc, where the Challenge was held. “I am a qi tiger.”Asked if he was at work on a new Jamiroquai album, Kay replied, “I am a qi tiger. My flow is next-generation prophesy, like the divination of Alpha Centauri.”Hanks seemed pleased by the turnout of this year's event. “We need to turn these people out,” he said. “If there's anything I've learned from starring in my movies, it's that with hard work and moxie you can overcome anything. I mean, we have ten percent unemployment. Fine. That means ninety percent are still working. So what are these people today doing wrong? I dunno. Maybe you can tell me. It's gotta be something. Lack of moxie? Too much fucking teeth? Probably, Denise. I can tell you that after today, some of these good people should be able to put some food on the table for their family. They'll be eating steak tonight—right, Denise?”Someone in the audience asked Hanks if his penis were one of his movies, which one would it be. Hanks paused, his facial muscles clenching into a pre-climax rictus. “Platoon,” he said, to laughter.Just another example that in America, even the deepest recession has its bright moments.